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Why I love It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and why it makes me cry

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By the time you’re old enough to celebrate or have any memories of Halloween, it generally represents the chance to take an afternoon, an evening, or a whole day to pretend to be something you’re not. When you were younger, that usually meant you would dress up as what you wish you could be. Whether it’s a fireman or superhero or even something more feasible, like just something as attainable as being an old person, you still get a few hours to feel like someone else. You get to experience something different from your identity. As you get older, there’s still a sense of taking a vacation from your personal identity for the evening, but you also add in free candy, staying up late, and having fun with your friends. When you’re in college, you start slowly transitioning into “Adult Halloween,” which for the most part means getting drunk in costume. Sure, you get to experience what it’s like to get dressed up on multiple nights for multiple parties, but the holiday still feels mostly like an excuse to party. I’m approaching my 30th Halloween, and now more than ever, watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown makes me cry.

It’s a piece of pop culture that’s  ingrained in every adult’s memory to a degree, even if you can’t remember what actually happens in the story. Here, I’ll give you a refresher. It’s Halloween and Linus is preparing to finally see the “Great Pumpkin,” a mythical being that grants wishes or something. Linus, you’re crazy. The Great Pumpkin isn’t real. The rest of the Peanuts gang try to tell him this, but he’s not having it. Linus is determined to spend the night in a pumpkin patch in order to see the Great Pumpkin. While he’s waiting, the rest of the gang goes out trick or treating, bobs for apples, and engages in pretty typical Halloween behavior. When Linus thinks he sees the Great Pumpkin, which is just Snoopy, he faints. The next morning, he expresses his disappointment over not seeing the Great Pumpkin and, rather than admit he’s wrong, vows to see the Great Pumpkin the following year.

Sound familiar now? I don’t think I had ever actually sat down and intentionally watched the whole thing until just a few years ago. It was the day of Halloween and I had made up in my mind what I was going to do that evening to “celebrate.” I was going to make myself hot chocolate, revisit It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and watch Suspiria. I was living with a girlfriend at the time and, even though she enjoyed those plans I had made, decided to instead go to a friend’s Halloween party. I had also been invited to the party, along with other Halloween parties, but I turned them all down. I was determined to spend my Halloween the way I wanted to spend it and wasn’t going to “celebrate” by putting on an ironic costume and get drunk. To me, that never has been nor ever will be the way to spend Halloween. I have my own views on what Halloween is and I refuse to celebrate it in any other way, and so does Linus.

When Linus first enters the pumpkin patch, he starts explaining to Sally that the Great Pumpkin appears in the pumpkin patch that is the most “sincere.” I have no goddamned idea what a “sincere” pumpkin patch looks like, but that doesn’t matter, because Linus does. However familiar you are with quantifying the sincerity levels in a grove of gourds isn’t relevant, because you can still know how sincere you are to yourself. In a generation obsessed with status and social networking and one that focuses more on how they they portray themselves to the rest of the world than portraying who they really are, the need for sincerity has never been higher. I struggle with finding my own sincerity, especially on the goddamned internet, but I do my best to be genuine. I try to be the person I want to be instead of the person that others want me to be. Having hobbies that fall into subcultures instead of mainstream cultures, along with generally being a weirdo with a lot of skewed perspectives on life, it’s hard to center myself and stay grounded with that concept of being sincere not just to myself, but sincere to others.

Nobody can tell you your level of sincerity in life. You’re the only one who knows whether you’re living for yourself or if you’re living for other people. It’s hard to give a succinct answer when someone asks why I like Halloween or why I love horror movies, because it’s just something that you feel inexplicably and with the utmost sincerity. I know why I love those things and I don’t need to tell other people why. In fact, trying to express those loves might cheapen it. It’s none of my business how other people choose to celebrate holidays, or how they celebrate any day of the week for that matter. All I know is what feels right for me and I need to try to do that. Getting drunk in a costume might be what feels right to you, or maybe it’s watching horror movies with friends, or maybe it’s trick or treating, or maybe it’s something else even more wild that I’ve never even heard of. What’s important is you figure out what it is that you find to be true to yourself, that thing you find that brings you joy, and be sincere to it. I came to an important realization those few years ago on that Halloween night, watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. I finally realized it was okay to be who I was, act how I acted, and love what I loved. Even if it meant I was staying awake all alone in a pumpkin patch waiting for something that would never come while my friends went out for tricks or treats, I was being sincere. And even if I fell asleep alone and shivering, there’d be someone to bring me inside in the morning. Even if my best friend tried to empathize with how I wasted my night the next morning, it would make me determined to be even more sincere. Either I’ll take comfort in all of that sincerity, or maybe I’ll actually see the Great Pumpkin and it will mean that world as we know it is about to end, since giant, wish-granting beings have now come to Earth in the form of pumpkins.



John Wick (2014) [REVIEW] [Fantastic Fest '14]

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john wick movie poster large keanu reeves

 

Remember when we all first saw The Matrix and thought it was the coolest movie we had ever seen? We remembered Keanu Reeves from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Point Break, but this was his big chance! He starred in one of the most ground-breaking science fiction movies since Star Wars and he was destined to only do awesome things. His career after those films was…weird. He was involved in a couple of psychological thrillers like The Watcher and The Gift, as well as more romantic fare like Sweet November and The Lake House, but still had some sci-fi chops with A Scanner Darkly, Constantine, and The Day the Earth Stood Still. As he’s entering the fourth decade of his career, he seems to be experimenting a little bit more by making the movie HE wants to make. Luckily for audiences everywhere, Reeves wants to star in movies like John Wick, because John Wick was goddamned awesome.

 

john wick movie keanu reeves funeral

Sad John Wick at a human funeral, NOT a puppy funeral.

Reeves plays the titular Wick, a man who suddenly loses his wife. Clearly at a loss for how to spend the rest of his life, a mysterious package arrives for him the day of his wife’s funeral. A note accompanies this package and it’s from his late wife, giving him one last gift in hopes of it helping John. What is it? IT’S A GODDAMNED BEAGLE PUPPY. Wick, being a human, falls for the puppy and attempts to take care of it. In a chance altercation at a gas station, Wick inadvertently offends a Russian mobster, played Alfie Allen, also known as the dick-ish Theon Greyjoy from Game of Thrones. Heh. Dick-ish. Anyways, this altercation results in this mobster tracking down John Wick, breaking into his house, beating him, and murdering his puppy. YOU ASSHOLE. Oh yeah, he also steals John Wick’s car, which is ultimately what he was after when he broke in. Unfortunately for Theon Greyjoy, John Wick is a retired hitman that’s described as the guy you call to KILL the Boogeyman. As you can imagine, the film then plays out in a series of gun fights, head smashes, throat punches, car crashes, and cameos by great character actors.

 

john wick movie alfie allen theon greyjoy

Theon Greyjoy, you are just THE worst, aren’t you?

I’ve said on this site before that a straight up “action” movie isn’t normally my cup of tea. Luckily, John Wick isn’t a straight up action movie. The film walks that line between action fantasy and action reality, because obviously nobody can ACTUALLY do any of the things Keanu is doing in this movie…can they? No, probably not, but it’s grounded enough in reality that you can still be surprised at a specific neck snap or throat stab. Wick is a man of few words, but Keanu is no stranger to getting physical and hands-on in his roles, so watching him kick ass was more believable than a lot of other Hollywood actors. Also surprising is that this is the first feature film directed by David Leitch and Chad Stahelski. Not so surprsing? Between the two of them, they have more than 150 stunt credits to their name. So, yeah, these guys know their shit. I haven’t been more entertained or surprised by an action film since The Raid films or Dredd. Admittedly, this film isn’t as good as those films, but as entertaining? Oh hell yes.

 

john wick movie keanu reeves turtleneck hair

OH DID I MENTION JOHN WICK WEARS A TURTLENECK AND A BLAZER AND HAS KINDA LONG HAIR? HE TOTALLY DOES.

Reeves maintained the cool, quiet archetype well, but luckily he was surrounded by a great supporting cast. Alfie Allen’s face just screams “I’m a spoiled prick” in every scene, only to be heightened with his father to put him in his place, played by Michael Nyqvist. Wick got to face off against a female assassin out to cash in on the bounty placed on Wick’s head, played by Adrianne Palicki, who might not have had the same natural ass-kicking abilities of a Gina Carano, but don’t be surprised to see Palicki popping up in more heavily physical roles. As Wick comes further out of retirement, he crosses paths with more and more actors that make you nudge your friend and say, “It’s that guy!” From Lance Reddick to Ian McShane to John Leguizamo, the background is packed with familiar faces. Oh yeah, not to mention Willem Dafoe in all his “Hey John Wick, I’m just trying to give you helpful advice” glory.

 

john wick movie keanu reeves gun church

John Wick, you can’t have a gun in church! Man, I wonder what the budget was a blue and green lights was.

The film’s plot serves as a reason for John Wick to punch guys in the face. Nothing more, nothing less. John Wick could’ve gone on a violent rampage for any number of reasons, so the filmmakers decided to tap in to the most primal feelings of all: people love puppies. There was a lot of talk about treatment of dogs in films at Fantastic Fest this year, and John Wick was no exception. It’s strange to me that a film like Cub, which has an extended sequence of violence towards a dog which is essential to character development, got so much flack when John Wick was overlooked. I don’t chastise the filmmakers for choosing a puppy murder to spark the rampage, just interesting that so many people were willing to overlook the canine casualty, possibly because the bad guys got what they deserved. Puppy deaths aside, John Wick was another one of the most satisfying movie experiences I had at Fantastic Fest and I couldn’t think of any way to make the experience. Unless, of course, they announced right then and there how many sequels were in the works.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

full moon



Demon (2015) [REVIEW]

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Surely with a name like “Demon,” this movie is a prequel to Demons, right? RIGHT? Okay, well, if it’s not a prequel to Demons, it’s gotta be a romantic comedy about a woman who’s really hard to deal with, right? WRONG AGAIN, DUMMIES. Having read the film’s synopsis and learning about a “wedding” and how that can “change a person,” I guess my mind just jumped to how terribly all of my weddings have gone. Luckily, the wedding featured in Demon went much better than my weddings, and that includes the possible demonic possession! This Polish/Israeli production puts love to the test and makes you question how well you really know your better half, and how much you might have to sacrifice for love.

 

demon movie Itay Tiran ghost bride

Hey buddy, your wife? SHE STINKS.

Piotr (Itay Tiran) heads to his bride-to-be’s home in preparation for a long night of celebrating their marriage. Despite not knowing his future son-in-law too well, the bride’s father gives Piotr a plot of land to celebrate the union. While preparing the house for the upcoming festivities, Piotr uncovers what he believes to be human remains. OH NO, THOSE SHOULDN’T BE THERE. On the night of the wedding, things start getting a littttttttttle out of control. Piotr’s behavior becomes erratic, he starts interrogating relatives about what he believes he uncovered, and begins having physical fits and tantrums. Is it the stress of a long, emotional evening that’s getting to Piotr or are there more supernatural forces at work, like a Dybbuk, as one of the wedding guests claims? Well how about you watch the damned movie and figure it out for yourself, BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.

 

demon movie 2015 Itay Tiran nose bleed

I promise that your nose won’t bleed as much if you can keep your finger out of there.

I tend to stray away from anything categorized as a “psychological thriller,” because it feels like a generic marketing term, but in the case of Demon, the events of the film really get into your head. Writers Pawel Maslona and Marcin Wrona (who also directed) crafted a story that just often enough hints at otherwordly forces at play while also keeping the story grounded. There exists a unique, specific tension at weddings that facilitates the erratic, exhausted behavior of attendants, making the perfect backdrop for the events of the film. Some people become lucid, some become depressed, some become empowered (thanks to the free-flowing booze), and some people become all three. Add the air of judgement of a father handing his daughter over to a relative stranger to the mix, and Demon captures a powerful cocktail that allows the viewer to think anything is possible. A demonic possession? A medical condition that has gone untreated? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND THAT IS SCARY.

 

demon movie 2015 Itay Tiran possessed dancing shirtless contorted

Yes, we get it, you win the King Dancing Man award!

Tiran’s performance really helps sell the conflicting interpretation of event. When you think of traditional “possessions” in films, a person gains super-strength or can do things a regular human couldn’t do. Tiran’s possession is much more subtle and much more fragile. When the film starts, he’s a confident, sometimes brash husband-to-be, but his discovery of human remains begins his descent into confusion, vulnerability, and ultimately fragility. The biggest strength of the film is its ability to walk the line between reality and supernatural. Rarely do films, especially in recent years, show such blatant disregard for an audience’s expectations for definitive answers. For as much as I enjoyed films like Citadel or The Canal, the filmmakers eventually sway you into having a much better grasp on the reality of the story. Instead, Demon leads you down two different paths, and each time you think you see the end in sight, you’re pulled in the other direction, reminding me much more of the quintessential psychological thriller Jacob’s LadderDemon will sweep you up in its fervor, question your devotions, exhaust you, and leave you wanting more. Hey, almost like a relationship!

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

IMDb


Man vs Snake: The Long and Twisted Tale of Nibbler (2015) [REVIEW] [FANTASTIC FEST ’15]

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man vs snake the long and twisted tale of nibbler movie poster

 

How awesome was King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters? SO AWESOME. Thinking that someone like Billy Mitchell could exist in the real world and he could spark such a passionate rivalry over something silly like Donkey Kong was truly something to behold. Well, if you were a fan of that documentary that chronicled average people trying to achieve significant challenge within the world of something relatively mundane, then you’ll love Man vs Snake: The Long and Twisted Tale of Nibbler! It’s funny, inspiring, hard to believe, and provides more evidence that people love participating in trends more than pursuing their own interests.

 

man vs snake the long and twisted tale of nibbler arcade cabinetWhat dreams are made of.

Remember that game on early cell phones where you controlled a snake who needed to eat little dots, but each dot made your tail grow longer? Well, that’s what Nibbler is. But long before cell phones, Tim McVey (not, not that one) set the high score on the Nibbler arcade game at the legendary Twin Galaxies in Ottumwa, IA. Nibbler marked the first arcade game with a nine digit high score, meaning it was the first game capable of scoring a billion points on, and McVey did just that. That record stood for over two decades, until challenger Dwayne Richard, the bad boy of gaming, set out to challenge that score. What’s the big deal? Well, getting a score that high takes no less than 35 hours, no matter how well you play the game. Man vs Snake documents the duo’s attempts to become the greatest Nibbler player of all-time, from public arenas to in-home competitions, including technical tinkering, disputed numbers, and over holiday weekends. Man…it’s so awesome that these guys love anything this much.

 

man vs snake the long and twisted tale of nibbler tim mcvey

Tim McVey proves only the biggest badasses get an arcade cabinet in their house.

The story of pursuing the high score on Nibbler, goddamned NIBBLER, is highly entertaining. Since this is a documentary, it’s hard to evaluate the content presented, but watching these two adults pursue greatness in the world of video games will put a smile on anyone’s face. The film knows how silly the premise is, and directors Tim Kinzy and Andrew Seklir don’t take the subject matter more seriously than it needs to be. For example, in certain sequences set in the ’80s, there is no footage available, so the film opts for animating these sequences in a Bob’s Burgers style of animation. These animated sequences entertained me so much that I could have watched a film of just those, but seeing the real people behind this crazy story helped remind you that yes, truth is stranger than fiction. Ugh. Did I really just say that? Kill me.

 

man vs snake the long and twisted tale of nibbler animation

Oh, the ’80s, what a time to be alive!

Throughout most of the film, I just sat back and enjoyed the silliness of the stakes of it all. Unfortunately, the end of the film left a bad taste in my mouth, but not because of anything the film did poorly. I don’t want to spoil the specific story of Tim McVey and Dwayne Richard, but I will say that one of them does set the new record. The film ends with a montage of people around the world joining in on the record breaking attempts. When the new record was set, it seems like people who might not have even heard of Nibbler set out to destroy it just because they could. Nibbler didn’t have a legend until Tim McVey and Dwayne Richard helped put it on the map. Is Nibbler a great game? No. Not at all. Even the film’s subjects mention that getting the score has more to do with mental endurance than enjoyment of the game. Man vs Snake inspired me to pursue greatness, but showed me that I could define what greatness meant and I could achieve it in a variety of ways (and I already have achieved greatness in many ways). The film’s ending inadvertently reminded me how many people out there pursue greatness based on someone else’s definition instead of carving their own path. Granted, the people showcased at the end of the film could have been pursuing the record along with McVey and Richard and the film chose not to highlight them, but I think it’s safe to say a lot more people will now know the name “Nibbler” because a highly entertaining film featured the forgotten game as opposed to it being a game of note. In other words, Man vs Snake: The Long and Twisted Tale of Nibbler highlights the best in humanity and their pursuit for greatness in heartwarming, hilarious ways, but it is sure to create copycats who are so unoriginal that they have to feign interest in a game that was taken off of cell phones years ago.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

Official Site

IMDb


The Invitation (2015) [REVIEW]

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Going into the Beyond Fest screening of The Invitation, all I really knew was that people liked it. THAT’S IT. The film screened in a double feature with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, so it was safe to assume that both movies were about aliens and would both feature Donald Sutherland making a terrifying noise. Guys…I really don’t want to say more than this, because the enjoyment of The Invitation comes from the building tension of the lead character’s paranoia. Do yourself a favor and watch The Invitation knowing as little about it as possible, knowing only that it’s a nerve-racking examination of grief with a constant state of dread that will have you on edge of your figurative seat.

 

the invitation movie dinner party 2015

Hot tip if you’re trying to recruit someone into a cult: do it using babes.

After disappearing off the face of the earth for two years, Eden (Tammy Blanchard) and David (Michiel Huisman) invite their supposedly closest friends over to their house for a dinner party, including Eden’s ex-husband Will (Logan Marshall-Green). Making things even more uncomfortable, Eden invites Will to her current home that she formerly shared with Will and their now dead son. Oh, and Eden left Will for David. DOESN’T THIS SOUND LIKE A FUN PARTY?! Everyone’s excitement over seeing Eden again trumps their disappointment of not having seen her for so long. The whole evening drums up a slow of tragic, emotional memories in Will, who has a hard time grasping how Eden can seem so lucid about the situation. Eden and David casually bring up that they’ve come to terms with tragedy in their life thanks to “The Invitation,” a spiritual group of people who come together to support one another’s desires. Yes, every dinner guest calls it a cult, but Eden and David don’t get too offended. As the night goes on, Will notices peculiar things happening that raise his suspicions about the intentions of the couple. Some suspicions are corroborated, some suspicions are proven completely wrong, but by the end of the movie you’ll know if Will was right or if he was just a paranoid jerk who became trapped in a prison of guilt.

 

the invitation movie logan marshall-green beard

Just doing some sad beard-thinking.

Guys…I love cult stuff! Whether the cults actually exist in a film or not, I don’t care, but not being able to trust the people close to you and thinking about them deceiving you makes me feel super uncomfortable. In that respect, The Invitation is super uncomfortable. The whole film takes place in one house and director Karyn Kusama takes you to incredibly claustrophobic spaces and creates very intimate moments. The film plays out more like a play than a movie while you watch this tight ensemble fire their dialogue back and forth. Marshall-Green holds the cast together while the audience experiences the bizarre evening unfold, while simultaneously collapsing into himself as he comes to terms with the depth of grief over his son’s death. Not since Cheap Thrills have I felt so assaulted by a film that merely portrays real characters engaging in real conversations and arguments. There didn’t even need to be blood or guts or demons or anything! The entire cast and crew clearly found harmony working together to create a singular, fully-realized vision that could have merely been a discussion of something far more trivial than grief and have been just as compelling.

 

the invitation movie logan marshall-green dinner cult

There’s NO need to get this fired up over crappy food.

When crafting a film that hinges on a reveal of a main character’s paranoia being correct or being dismissed, difficulties arise when you confirm or deny those suspicions. With Rosemary’s Baby, once the truth reveals itself, the following events are so baffling that you realize things ran much deeper than even audience members thought. Similarly in Kill List, once the protagonist learn how deep the conspiracy ran, the ramifications couldn’t have gotten more tragic. When the stakes aren’t quite as deadly, as they are in Sound of My Voice, once the film reveals the truth, the credits roll moments later. Without spoiling things too much, when The Invitation reveals its truth and the paranoid tension dissipates, the finale stretches out too long and loses steam. The final shot redeems some of the tension I felt it lost in that finale, but still not enough for me to love the entire experience. Even if the film lost me in the last 15 minutes, The Invitation earns a spot alongside aforementioned culty creepouts as one of the more compelling depiction of the madness that can consume someone stricken with overwhelming grief.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

IMDb


EVERY. TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. EVER. [REVIEW] (Pt. 1)

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It’s Halloween season! Wahoo! What better way to celebrate it than looking back at a bunch of movies that take place on Halloween?! Wait. Crap. I did that already. Well if movies set on Halloween aren’t enough to get you into the holiday spirit, how about we take a look at the legacy of every installment of The Simpsons Halloween Specials? LET’S DO IT. Over the next few posts, I’ll be looking at EVERY segment from EVERY episode to highlight some of my favorite gags, favorite silly nicknames in the credits, and anything else I want to point out. I’ll also be rating every segment and every episode as a whole and hopefully I don’t something something. See, I said, “Something something,” as a reference to one of the segments that I’ll be getting to. If you’re looking for behind-the-scenes anecdotes and information, you’re in the wrong place! I’m just watching every episode and telling you my thoughts! So strap in and keep checking back. Also keep in mind that I haven’t watched a lot of these in a while, in some cases never, so forgive me for pointing out bits of trivia that are well-known in the Simpsons community.

 

the simpsons treehouse of horror bad dream house

Treehouse of Horror (Season 2, Ep. 3)

Bad Dream House” – In this play on The Amityville Horror, the Simpsons move into a house for dirt cheap and creepy stuff starts happening. The music in this segment is really creepy, so when the house starts dripping blood, the surrealism in the normally goofy show actually feels creepy. When marge blames Homer and he calls the realtor, Homer pointing out that the realtor mentioned that the house sat on an ancient Indian burial ground is one of the funniest moments. Rather than run from the house screaming, the Simpsons demand that the house keep doing these weird things at their command.

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

Hungry are the Damned” – While preparing for a barbecue, the Simpson family get abducted by aliens who claim they are benevolent creatures. Lisa doubts their intentions, she begins to investigate the ship when she finds a book entitled “How to Cook Humans.” The aliens blow dust away to reveal that it actually says, “How to Cook FOR Humans.” Lisa brushes more dust away, revealing, “How to Cook FORTY Humans,” with the aliens finally revealing the whole title of “How to Cook FOR FORTY Humans.” This bit is great, which is probably why they recycled it for Season 6’s “Bart of Darkness,” where Lisa finds a “Human Head,” only to reveal it actually says, “Schuman Farms Head of Lettuce.” Also, when preparing the grill, Homer empties an entire canister of lighter fluid into the grill in almost the exact same way he does in Season 7’s “Lisa the Vegetarian.” I’m thinking maybe the creators really liked these gags, but since this was early on in the Simpsons legacy, maybe they thought no one would notice? Anyways, those two gags are great, and even if the segment isn’t phenomenal, it introduced us to Kang and Kodos who became staples of every future “Treehouse of Horror” installment, even if only for a cameo. Oh yeah, and James Earl Jones voiced another one of the aliens! Crazy!

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

The Raven” – Sticking to their horror guns, this segment merely recreated most of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” poem, but featuring Homer pining for Marge while being harassed by a raven that looked like Bart. It was cool to see a Simpsons-ized version of the poem, but it’s really not at all funny, but I don’t think it was really meant to be. I felt like I was watching a classic Dr. Seuss animated story or something, which I think was the intention, but still, if I’m watching The Simpsons, I want to at least chuckle here and there.

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one quarter moon

Overall Thoughts –  Although this is far from the funniest “Treehouse of Horror,” or any other episode for that matter, this was their first attempt at doing a Halloween Special and they leaned more heavily on the horror elements, so I want to cut them some slack on that front. This episode also featured the wraparound concept of Bart and Lisa telling one another scary stories in Bart’s treehouse, which is where the name of the episode came from. Also of note is that there are no wacky names in the credits! Don’t worry, those will be coming shortly.

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

the simpsons treehouse of horror ii halloween candy nightmare

Treehouse of Horror II (Season 3, Ep. 7)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Colon Cramps Lewis

Lisa’s Nightmare” – I should point out that this segment doesn’t actually have the title “Lisa’s Nightmare,” but that’s how this segment is referred to across the web. A classic retelling of the classic “The Monkey’s Paw” story where the Simpsons go to Morocco and Homer buys a severed primate hand that will supposedly grant three wishes. First, Maggie wishes for a pacifier and receives it without much fallout. However, when granted their next wish of fame and fortune, the implications are that the Simpson family have completely permeated pop culture, causing the general public to get sick of seeing Bart on billboards saying, “Get a mammogram, man!” Next, Lisa asks for world peace, which unfortunately leaves the world defenseless to an invasion from Kang and Kodos. Lastly, Homer asks for a turkey sandwich, but unfortunately it’s dry, and with all the wishes gone, tosses the paw in the trash, only for Flanders to find it, make wishes, and have absolutely no repercussions. OH, THE IRONY! Similar to the previous year’s “The Raven,” it was fun to see a retelling of a classic story, but this time more jokes were tossed it so it was much more entertaining.

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

Bart’s Nightmare” – Bart dreams of a world where he can read people’s minds and control reality to change people who disagree with him into monsters. How is this a nightmare? It’s just kind of weird, which actually made things really weird, and it’s no surprise that this segment was actually inspired by an episode of “The Twilight Zone.” My biggest laughs came from Principal Skinner announcing that America was renamed “Boner Land,” thanks to Bart, and Moe answering the phone at his bar and announcing, “I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt,” to heighten Bart’s prank phone call gag. If you’re wondering why this episode is a nightmare, it’s because the ending reveals Bart has these powers because he craves attention from his dad, and the episode ends with Homer and Bart telling the other, “I love you,” which is what causes Bart to wake up screaming. Boner Land was easily my favorite part, because I’m a child.

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

Homer’s Nightmare” – Mr. Burns fires Homer to set an example and he takes up a new job as a grave digger. Homer falls asleep on the job in an open grave, and Mr. Burns crosses his path, looking for the brain of a cadaver to put into a robotic employee. I like to think there were supposed to be jokes in here somewhere, but none of the jokes really landed with me. The “Mr. Burns is Dr. Frankenstein” joke was a little too forced, so I think this installment existed merely to keep in the theme of each segment being inspired by a familiar story. The robot topples over onto Mr. Burns and his head is grafted to Homer, causing Homer to wake up, only to realize Mr. Burns’ head really is there. Get it? Because it’s funny? In theory? Nothing about this segment really impressed me and the whole thing just felt like filler.

Wolfman Moon Scale

eclipse

Overall Thoughts –  Conceptually, I liked that this installment featured Simpsons twists on three classic stories. I also LOVED that the nightmares were inspired by too much candy after the family went trick-or-treating. I get super depressed when Halloween night is over and having these dreams take place after the culmination of the spooky season made me feel really nostalgic for the time between the end of trick-or-treating and going to school the next day to start having to write “November 1” instead of “October.” This year also started the tradition of spooky nicknames! The funniest part about the names in this installment was how arbitrarily words like “Spooky” or “Scary” were placed in front of names, whereas the nicknames got more and more ridiculous and creative down the line.

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Treehouse of Horror III (Season 4, Ep. 5)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Matt “Merchandising” Groening

Clown Without Pity” – When Homer forgets to buy Bart a birthday present, he runs out to a store full of cursed items. He sees a Krusty the Klown doll and is given the bad news that the doll is cursed. Luckily, the doll comes with free frozen yogurt. Sadly, the yogurt is also cursed, but the good news is Homer gets his choice of toppings. Unfortunately, the toppings are full of potassium benzoate, and when this gag starts feeling redundant, Homer asks if he can go. The doll ends up trying to kill Homer, Marge calls the toy manufacturer hotline and realizes a switch on the back was set to “Evil” instead of “Good.” There are a couple of great bits in this episode, like someone dumping naked pictures of Whoopi Goldberg into a “bottomless pit,” only to have the pictures tossed back, as well as Homer running naked out of the bath and Patty saying, “There goes my last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.” The fact that the doll had a switch for Good/Evil makes everything that much sillier, and when “Good” Krusty goes home to Lisa’s Malibu Stacy like she’s his wife, it really rounded everything out with a final goofy joke.

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King Homer” – Inspired by King Kong, this segment featured Mr. Burns bringing Marge to Giant Ape Island to entice a giant ape, which was Homer. Duh. When flashbulbs drive the captured Homer crazy in New York City, he captures Marge and runs a muck. When recreating the famous skyscraper climbing sequence, Homer can only get a couple floors before collapsing. The ape lives through the ordeal and marries Marge in a pretty funny wedding where other apes come in and ushers ask if they’re on the groom’s or bride’s side. I liked that this segment did a retelling of the important beats of the King Kong story while also adding in a silly epilogue to really make it their own. Even though it came across mostly as an homage, there are a couple great bits. One featured Smithers opposing Marge joining the cruise by saying, “I think women and seamen don’t mix,” and also a sequence where a sailor wishes they were instead going to Candy Apple Island, which still has apes, just not as big. See, because you’d expect Candy Apples to be there! Get it?

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Dial ‘Z’ for ‘Zombies’” – Don’t worry! Zombies finally arrived on The Simpsons! Bart needs to do a book report so he goes to the school library and finds the “Occult” section. He uses a book he finds to attempt to bring Lisa’s cat, Snowball I, back to life, but instead reanimates humans. He eventually reverses the spell and when the family gets home and turn on the TV, they say how happy they are that they avoided being turned into mindless zombies, while zoning out on the TV. The highlight of the episode is the family trying to escape zombies and Homer shoots Ned, and when his family is proud of him, Homer replies with, “He was a zombie?” HE WANTED TO KILL NED ANYWAY. HAHAHAHAHA. Add that joke to seeing a bunch of characters, new and familiar, as zombies shambling around Springfield and you get a pretty fulfilling final segment.

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Overall Thoughts – No real complaints, just an all-around solid episode. There were a handful of really good gags, a Simpsons interpretation of well-known horror tropes, and a finale that incorporated fun character designs of the rest of Springfield. The wraparound story was a Halloween party at the Simpsons’ home where everyone was telling a story. There were a couple of jokes in there, but nothing as fun as the segments themselves.

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The Treehouse of Horror IV (Season 5, Ep. 5)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Conan “12:30 NBC” O’ Brien/Watch Conan O’ Brien

The Devil and Homer Simpson” – Desperate for a donut, Homer says he’d be willing to sell his soul for one, and the Devil shows up looking like Flanders. Unhappy that his soul belongs to the Devil, Homer sets up a trial, to which the Devil obliges. Against all odds, Marge provides evidence that Homer pledged his soul to her and wasn’t his to give, so the Devil accepts defeat, but not before turning Homer’s head into a donut. There’s a lot of really good stuff in here, especially visually. From Homer going to the “Ironic Punishment Division” in Hell where he’s forced to eat donuts to a jury consisting of Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon, John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard, John Dilliner, and the starting lineup of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers, there are tons of cool sequences. AND LIONEL HUTZ IS IN IT. His only request is bathroom breaks every 30 minutes in exchange for the Devil picking the jury. This is a really dense segment and really entertaining.

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Terror at 5 1/2 Feet” – Inspired by the Twilight Zone episode “Nightmare at 20,000 feet,” Bart is the only one who can see a gremlin damaging the side of a school bus. As everyone on the bus doubts him, the gremlin damages the bus further and further, and when they get to school, they take Bart to a mental institution, despite seeing the damage to the bus. This is the best segment they’ve done so far! There are so many jokes! Homer steals life vests and an airhorn from the marina claiming, “It was just sitting in some guy’s boat!” Lisa asks everyone on the bus to be nice to Bart, so everyone teases him, and we see Martin breathing a sigh of relief that no one will make fun of him for his shirt that says, “WANG COMPUTERS”! Man oh man, I don’t want to type out everything in this segment that made me laugh, because there’s way too many, but this segment is their best one to date.

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Bart Simpson’s Dracula” – Playing directly off Dracula iconography made popular by Francis Ford Coppolla’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the Simpsons go to Mr. Burns’ house because he wants to suck their blood. After Mr. Burns drinks Bart’s blood, Lisa leads her family to kill the lead vampire in hopes of setting Bart free. Marge reveals that she’s actually the head vampire and then the family looks at the camera, says, “Happy Halloween,” and start singing like the ending of A Charlie Brown Christmas. A lot of direct references to Bram Stoker’s Dracula will be lost on younger audiences, like Mr. Burns’ hair, which Homer points out by saying, “His hairdo looks so queer,” but I still enjoyed them. There are a few really silly jokes, like Bart trying to escape Burns’ lair until he sees a sign that says “SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE” and sliding back towards Mr. Burns and Homer driving a stake through Mr. Burns’ corpse, only for Lisa to point out it was his crotch, but they’re so dumb that they’re great. My favorite joke comes from Chief Wiggum after he found a cape that said “Dracula” on it, address the press with, “We think we’re dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a Mummy.” Grandpa Simpson repeats a joke made last year by seeing Bart and shouting, “Quick, we have to kill the boy!” and when questioned about how he knew Bart was a vampire, replied with, “He’s a vampire?!” COME ON GUYS, WAIT A LITTLE LONGER TO USE THAT JOKE AGAIN.

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Overall Thoughts – Great variety of direct and ambiguous references to other stories and great choices for who each story should center around. With two consecutive installments where each segment was highly entertaining, I think this marks that the creators really found their groove. Not just for the Treehouse of Horror series, but for the show as a whole.

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Treehouse of Horror V (Season 6, Ep. 6)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Harry (O.J.) Shearer

The Shinning” – This segment immediately recreates the opening of The Shining with its creepy music and family vehicle traveling through a windy mountain road. Mr. Burns explains to the Simpson family, who will be taking care of his hotel for the winter, some things they should know. When Groundskeeper Willie realizes Bart can read his thoughts, he claims Bart has “The Shinning,” he reminds Bart not to read his mind between 4 and 5 because that’s “Willie time.” Homer starts to go crazy from a lack of beer and TV, resulting in the important moments from “The Shining” unfolding. Bart mentally contacts Willie and he tries to rescue the family, only to get an ax in the back. Luckily, Willie drops a portable TV and Homer calms down while watching it, claiming his urge to kill is fading. The family freezes in the snow, but who cares, they still get to watch TV! Man oh man, I had no recollection of just how good this episode was. This segment features some all-time great lines, sequences, and tons of nods to the movie. Homer’s typewriter showing he’s typed, “Feelin’ fine.,” Marge feeling threatened and breaking a case that is labeled in case of “spousal insanity,” and Homer’s recreation of the famous, “Here’s Johnny!” scene but with various talk show opening lines, with my favorite being a David Letterman reference where Grandpa Simpson replies, “Hi David, I’m Grandpa.” GOD, THIS SEGMENT IS SO, SO GOOD.

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Time and Punishment” – Homer greets his family for breakfast and explains how lucky he feels, only to have Lisa point out that his hand is in a toaster. Homer attempts to repair the toaster himself, but his updated electronics have turned it into a time traveling device. Traveling back to the dinosaur age, Homer kills a mosquito, which alters reality to a world where Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master. Homer gets back to the toaster and travels through time again, killing a fish crawling out of the water, and changing the world again. This gag plays out a few more times, ultimately ending with everything being totally normally, with the exception of the rest of his family having super long tongues. The time-traveling repeats just enough times to stay funny and keep you interested, especially when Homer’s frustrations lead him to just destroy everything he can in the past. I also love the gag where Homer travels to a time when his family is rich, but when asking for a donut, Marge doesn’t understand him so he bolts. The funny thing is that than it starts raining and it’s just donuts falling from the sky! Hahaha. Homer loves donuts.

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Nightmare Cafeteria” – What Springfield Elementary lacks in quality meat, it more than makes up for with students in detention! Principal Skinner and lunch lady Doris realize both of their problems would be solved if the students are just turned into meat. Skinner gets to make a lot of goofy dad jokes when talking to Bart and Lisa because they don’t pick up on the fact that he’s eating students. The student population dwindles and when Skinner and Doris corner Bart and Lisa, they fall into a giant blender, only for Bart to wake up and realize it was a dream. The rest of his family mention all he has to worry about is the fog that turns people inside-out, which seeps in through the window, and the Simpson family perform a song and dance with all their guts hanging out. The highlights are definitely Skinner’s dad jokes, and the concept of the teacher eating the students is pretty twisted, so all-in-all a success!

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Overall Thoughts – Although the show abandoned the wraparound story, Willie gets axed in each installment so there’s at least some degree of continuity. Each segment is entertaining and I’m sure anyone else who watched this episode would give high rankings to each segment with slight variations based on someone’s sense of humor. All three segments feature either Homer or Bart as the protagonist, so maybe that’s why they were all so good? Those guys are funny. This was also the last installment that featured a wacky opening sequence of amusing tombstones, signified by the final tombstone on-screen reading, “Amusing Tombstones.” Don’t worry, the silly nicknames stuck around!

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Stay tuned all this week for reviews on the rest of the episodes! Don’t miss any updates by following @TheWolfman on Twitter or liking “The Wolfman Cometh” on Facebook. You don’t want to miss updates, do you?


EVERY. TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. EVER. [REVIEW] (Pt. 2)

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Have you read Pt. 1 of this series? NO? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. Read “EVERY. TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. EVER. [REVIEW] (Pt. 1).” Oh, hello there! Glad you’re back. I have to admit, I’m pretty excited about these upcoming episodes. Season 5 through 10 were “my jam,” as annoying people are known to stupidly say. I own the DVDs (not to brag) and quote them often, so this is gonna be great. Are you guys excited? Can’t respond because you’re reading something and will look like a crazy person for talking out loud? GREAT. LET’S GET TO IT!

treehouse of horror vi simpsons homer3

Treehouse of Horror VI (Season 7, Ep. 6)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Matt “Funk Lord of USA” Groening

Attack of the 50ft. Eyesores” – Homer, a man obsessed with donuts, seeks a colossal donut from Lard Lad. Learning that the donut isn’t actually colossal, Homer steals the metallic donut from a statue, causing the statue to come to life! A bunch of other large advertisements come to life to destroy Springfield, and even when Homer gives Lard Lad the donut back, it doesn’t end there. Lisa has to get Paul Anka to sing a jingle to distract people from the mascots, claiming that ignoring advertising is what really hurts it. This was a cool segment visually, but not super funny. My favorite joke was Wiggum shooting a really tall guy, thinking he was a mascot, only to learn he killed the captain of the high school basketball team. DEATH TO TALL PEOPLE!

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Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace” – Bart has a nightmare where Groundskeeper Willie scratches him with a rake and other kids at school reveal similar nightmares and injuries caused by janitorial equipment. Marge explains that at a P.T.A. meeting, the adults accidentally let Groundskeeper Willie burn to death in the boiler room because they vetoed spending money on virtually everything that could have spared Willie. Bart and Lisa realize they need to kill Willie in their dreams because it’s your classic Freddy Krueger scenario, with less child molestation. The climax isn’t very funny but is true to the spirit of A Nightmare on Elm Street, so who cares if you don’t laugh? We also got to hear Homer say, “Lousy Smarch weather,” which is one of the best lines from the show ever.

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Homer3″ – With Patty and Selma on their way over, Bart, Lisa, and Homer scramble for hiding places and Homer uncovers a portal behind the bookcase that he describes as, “…like something out of that Twilight-y show about that zone.” He teleports to a 3D universe, which was super wild for 1995. Marge calls in for help and even sends Bart in after him, but when a 3D cone pokes Homer, he throws it and creates a black hole in the universe which he gets sucked into before Bart can save him. Homer crash-lands in a dumpster in a live-action world and finds shelter in an erotic cake store. The episode mostly seemed like a reaction to how “advanced” other forms of animation were at the time and how The Simpsons stuck with 2D. There are some cool Poltergeist effects when Homer calls out to his family, so that’s really the only connection it has to anything horror.

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Overall Thoughts – Possibly the most ambitious “Treehouse of Horror” installment to date, so good for them! Even if there aren’t many super funny jokes, the 3D segment alone seems embedded in most people’s memories of the show attempting some really cool stuff. Once Homer walks into the erotic cake store in the last segment, the credits just roll over footage of the street Homer walked down, so you get this feeling of the episode never truly ending and that just never really sits that well with me.

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Treehouse of Horror VII (Season 8, Ep. 1)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Brad “To The Bone” Bird

The Thing and I” – Bart and Lisa question their parents about strange noises they hear in the attic, and despite denying anything weird going on, Homer still responds with, “I work my butt off to feed you 4 kids…” before Marge reminds him they have only three kids, to which he says, “Yeah, three NOSY kids.” HOMER, YOU GOOFED UP. Marge reveals that Bart was a conjoined twin and when Dr. Hibbert separated the siblings, he knew one was evil and one was good, so the evil one, named “Hugo,” lived in the attic while Bart roamed free. When Dr. Hibbert confronts Hugo, he notices the scar is on the wrong side of his body and Bart is actually the good one! This means Bart has to live in the attic and eat fish heads once a week. Poor guy. Thinking of someone living inside your house genuinely creeps me out, so this segment resonated deeply with me. You could say it “spooked my bones,” if you’d like. Homer has some good lines and there’s a joke about twisted, solitary misfits hanging out at RadioShack, which was maybe a popular opinion in 1996? I don’t know, I was only 12.

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The Genesis Tub” – When a tooth falls out, Lisa decides to start a science experiment to see what happens to a tooth in a bowl full of soda. Bart zaps her with static electricity, causing her to accidentally zap the tooth, creating life! Bart notices she’s created life and decide to mess with the civilization, which is evolving quickly, and the citizens strike back against Bart with miniature spaceships. The creatures shrink Lisa down to thank her for creating them, but unfortunately don’t have the technology to bring her back to actual size, so she’s stuck there. I liked the setup of this episode because it seems like something Lisa would actually do. Plus, you get to have Bart being destructive Bart, which is one of the best types of Bart! Oh yeah, and when he finds the bowl, he asks her, “Are you trying to grow a friend?” Haha, classic Bart!

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Citizen Kang” – Kang and Kodos abduct Homer and threaten to replace the world’s leader. Homer mentions an election is about to take place, so Kang and Kodos replace Bill Clinton and Bob Dole. That’s when hilarity ensues! The aliens pretend to be politicians, yet have no idea what human society is like, so they say lots of hilarious things. It’s hard to believe that the lines, “Abortions for some, miniature american flags for others,” “Forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom,” and, “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos,” all came from the same seven minutes! Despite how funny this segment is, it felt more like an opportunity to do some heavy political jokes shrouded in an alien replacement plot. For as hilarious as it is, I think these jokes could have been worked into any other episode and done something even wilder with Kang and Kodos.

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Overall Thoughts – Hard to top that first sequence and how well it blended horror with classic Simpson tomfoolery, but this was definitely a solid installment. I blame Lisa for dragging the whole thing down though, because, well, who the hell likes Lisa Simpson? NO ONE. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, LISA. At least none of these segments involved Bleeding Gums Murphy. Yikes, remember those? This episode was definitely better than those.

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Treehouse of Horror VIII (Season 9, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Richard “I Wish I Was Dead” Sakai

The Homega Man” – Wish tensions rising between Springfield and France, Homer reminds the family they don’t have to worry because he built his own bomb shelter, which is actually just a refrigerator box with “USA #1” painted on it. Homer decides to buy a new bomb shelter regardless, and while eating the rations inside one, nuclear winter kills everyone in Springfield. Now that Homer has the town to himself, he goes to church, changes the sign to read “Homer Rocks!,” and dances naked inside to “War” by Edwin Starr. Homer’s world comes crumbling down when mutated survivors of the nuclear winter interrupt him, hoping to eat his face. Homer goes to his house where he finds his family alive, protected from the radiation by the house’s layer of lead paint, and the happy family kills the mutants and drive Ferraris. OH MY GOD. THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD JOKES IN THIS EPISODE. When a missile rockets down Springfield’s sidewalks, Comic Book Guy says, “Oh I’ve wasted my life,” immediately before impact. Homer punches a bad driver after the nuclear blast, causing their head to shatter, to which he replies with, “Still got it!” THE SEGMENT ALSO MAKES FUN OF GARY LARSON BECAUSE HE WAS SUPER POPULAR IN THE MID-90’s! THE BEST.

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Fly vs. Fly” – While rummaging through mad scientist Frink’s garage sale, Homer buys a matter transporter. It makes his life much easier, because now he can get to the top of the stairs without walking. While testing conveniences of his new machine, Homer tries grabbing a beer, but without being able to see what he’s grabbing, instead takes a big swig for a can labeled, “CAT EAR MEDICINE,” followed by, “Oh MAN that’s good.” When Bart uses the machine, a fly sneaks in and the two switch bodies. With Lisa’s help, Bart is able to get back in the transporter with the fly, after wacky shenanigans of course, and all is right once again in the Simpson household. Guys. This is another amazing sequence. Homer gets to say insane things and act crazy, Lisa is barely in it, and it’s a parody of The Fly. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?! Okay, how about Homer saying things like, “Ka-blammo!” when he accidentally sends his fist through the teleporter and punches Lisa in the face. What about overhearing the end of Homer telling a story that involves, “…so then Lenny says, as if! Don’t even go there, sister!” And then the segment ends with Homer grabbing an ax, implying he’ll smash the teleporter, only to chase Bart around threatening to kill him. Man…this was real good. I loved it!

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Easy Bake-Coven” – Uh-oh, a period piece? This one could be terrible! It’s set during the Salem Witch Trials and Marge is accused of being a witch. The only way to test the theory is to throw Marge off a cliff to see if she survives, which she does! Bart exclaims, “Well I’ll be a son of a witch,” because he is. Get it? Marge meets up with Patty and Selma and the three decide to eat all the children in town. When Flanders offers a gingerbread child, the witches realize maybe they should just go around town demanding treats, and the tradition of trick-or-treating begins! With this segment focusing so heavily on Marge, it left the entire town free to just throw in one-liners, making it super funny. The two previous segments might have been funnier than this one, but what it lacked in jokes it made up for in Halloween spirit, so I loved it. I LOVED IT A LOT.

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Overall Thoughts: GUYS. THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE BEST ONE SO FAR. Holy cow. When I started thinking of watching all these episodes, the segments all just kind of blended together. I had no idea that three of the best segments were all in the same episode. It was a fantastic mix of movie parodies and Halloween fun. The first two segments were funnier than the last, but we got more Halloween spirit in the final segment. This is it, Simpsons creators, you’ve found the perfect formula. Please do this like 15 more times and I’ll be a happy guy. I’m sure the’re all this good, right? Right? HELLO?

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treehouse of horror ix simpsons hell toupee

Treehouse of Horror IX (Season 10, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: “Sheer Terror Claws-Son”

Hell Toupee” – Famous Springfield criminal Snake is given the death sentence for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart, but his hair is salvaged for a transplant. Hmmm…I wonder which character will get the hair? IT’S HOMER! HOMER GETS SNAKE’S HAIR! The hair starts to control Homer’s actions, and remembering that Bart was a witness to Snake’s crimes, the hair makes Homer try to kill his son. When Homer realizes what’s happening, he rips the hair from his head and the police shoot it dead. Since we’ve seen Sideshow Mel attempt to kill Bart multiples times, this episode didn’t seem much different from one of those. The highlight was Homer ripping his hair off to battle it, when the hair latches on to Bart’s face, causing Homer to repeatedly punch his son directly in the face. Haha, stupid Bart.

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The Terror of Tiny Toon” – When the batteries in the TV remote die, Bart and Lisa replace them with plutonium they found in Homer’s work gear. While arguing over control of the remote, the kids get sucked into an episode of Itchy & Scratchy, with the mouse and cat proceeding to kill them. It’s weird watching cartoons get attacked by different cartoons and expect an audience to at all be invested in what’s going on. I just felt like I was watching a poor man’s Stay Tuned, a movie that I’m sure everyone had forgotten about by the time this episode aired. Luckily, there’s a Poochie cameo! Unfortunately, there’s also a Regis and Kathie Lee cameo. I don’t get it.

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Starship Poopers” – Haha, it says poop right in the title! It’s gotta be funny! When Maggie loses her baby teeth, along with her “baby legs,” the family gets suspicious. Because, ya know, tentacles come out of her. Marge reveals that Kang impregnated her and he’s the real father, so the whole family goes on Jerry Springer to argue about it. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING. When Homer first sees Maggie on the ceiling, which she can climb because of her tentacles, it’s funny that all he can say is, “She’s entering her terrible twos alright.” Luckily we were spared from seeing Kang have sex with Marge, since he impregnated her with some ray gun or something, but I was getting reallllll nervous thinking we might see the two of them have sex. Now I’ll just have to picture it, much like I am right now. Gotta go!

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Overall Thoughts – I’m sure part of my reaction to this episode is based off of how good the previous year’s episode was, but it was also really frustrating to know how good the show could be and then see an episode like this just a year later. There was too strong of a pop culture influence this year, and I’m sure if you asked most younger people who Jerry Springer, Regis Philbin, or Kathie Lee Gifford were, they’d probably have no idea. Oh well, at least we got to see Poochie again!

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Treehouse of Horror X (Season 11, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Uh, An Ogre?

I Know What You Diddiliy-iddly-did” – You guys remember the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” franchise? Maybe? Kind of? Either way, this is kind of a riff on those movies! Marge accidentally kills Flanders with her car and the Simpson family disposes of the body. Shortly after, the family begins to receive threatening messages that imply someone knows they killed Flanders. The reveal? Why, it’s Flanders himself! He’s still alive because he’s actually a werewolf. Who saw THAT coming?! Not you! Despite my trepidation over an homage to a not-so-classic horror series, I thought this segment was pretty good. Homer wasn’t the main focus so he just got to chime in with hilarious things, often to incriminate Marge. I laughed hardest at Homer using Ned’s body to pull off Weekend at Bernie’s style gags, but Homer is very rarely blameless in murder-related shenanigans so he got to hold that over Marge’s head. Consider me entertained! Much like Joaquin Phoenix in the movie Inventing the Abbotts.

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Desperately Xeeking Xena” – After a horrible accident with an x-ray machine, Bart gains the powers of being stretchy and Lisa becomes super strong. Comic Book Guy captures Lucy Lawless at a convention and places her in a giant Mylar bag to preserve her forever in his collection of famous sci-fi personalities. Bart and Lisa, as the super duo “Stretch Dude and Power Girl,” help save her. That’s really it. I don’t know what the hell this had to do with Halloween, but I assume Lucy Lawless agreed to do a role and they just vaguely modeled this one around her. I guess Xena: Warrior Princess must have been popular at the time?

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Life’s a Glitch, Then You Die” – WORDPLAY! You’re chuckling at the title already, aren’t you? I’ll bet you are. One thing to keep in mind is that this episode aired in 1999, a time when people thought Y2K would ruin the world. Can’t remember what Y2K was? READ A BOOK, MILLENNIAL! The town of Springfield prepares for the year 2000, but unfortunately Homer didn’t do his job correctly so when midnight strikes, all electronics go haywire. The family seeks out help in the chaos and find Krusty dying and they steal a letter from his pocket. There’s a rocket ship going to Mars! Only Lisa and Marge are allowed in and Homer and Bart get on another rocket that doesn’t have tight security. Tom Arnold, Spike Lee, and a whole bunch of losers are also on the rocket, which gets launched into the Sun. Hmmm…Y2K…that was uneventful, wasn’t it? At the time, everyone was going nuts about it, so maybe this was a commentary on how nuts people got? Or a long setup to make fun of Tom Arnold? Either way, it wasn’t that fulfilling.

 

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Overall Thoughts – The opening couch gag had references to previous Treehouse of Horror segments, which seemed to have promise that they’d be following their tried and true formula for success, but the dated segments didn’t really hold up. That first segment was solid, which also got my hopes up, but the Lucy Lawless segment could have been worked into virtually any episode and dealing with Y2K felt more like an obligation to discuss a big pop culture event instead of an opportunity to make some interesting jokes. Even though other episodes involved scenes taking place during the day, but it was the first segment that made me realize how un-Halloween-y the segments look when in brightly lit environments. I genuinely think if every scene of this episode took place at night, I would have enjoyed them more because they would have been more spooky.

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Stay tuned all this week for reviews on the rest of the episodes! Don’t miss any updates by following @TheWolfman on Twitter or liking “The Wolfman Cometh” on Facebook. You don’t want to miss updates, do you?


EVERY. TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. EVER. [REVIEW] (Pt. 3)

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WE’RE TWO DEEP. TWO DEEP, I SAY! Read Pt. 1 and Pt. 2 to catch up on ten years worth of Treehouse of Horror segments before reading any further. Well, unless you’re an IDIOT who likes knowing NOTHING. I guess that’s been working out pretty well for me though. Get it? Because I’m an idiot? Who knows nothing? Anyways, I have little memory of any of these episodes because I think I was too cool for The Simpsons at this point in my life or something. Hahahaha. That’s crazy, because I was less cool when these episodes aired than I am now, which is not at all! Enough of the dilly-dallying, let’s tear into this crap-sack!

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Treehouse of Horror XI (Season 12, Ep. 1)

Funniest Credits Nickname: The Dwarf from “Don’t Look Now”

G-g-ghost D-d-dad” – Homer’s horoscope not only warns him that he’s going to die that day, but also says that he will receive a compliment from an attractive worker, which Homer hopes is Lenny. BOTH HOROSCOPES COME TRUE! When Homer gets to Heaven, he’s given 24 hours to go back to earth to perform one good deed worthy of letting him into heaven. After a few failed attempts at benevolence, he eventually saves a baby from careening into the street, but Saint Peter wasn’t looking, and Homer is sent to Hell. THE END! There are some good visual gags in this episode, like ghost Homer drinking a Squishee, only to have it fall on the ground and people slip on it. Also Homer’s attempts at doing good, like carrying Agnes Skinner across the street, only to fall and Homer claim she was going to be the next Hitler, were kind of funny. Still not Halloween-y enough for me!

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Scary Tales Can Come True” – In this “Grimm’s Fairy Tales” parody, Homer loses his job as an oaf and since he can’t afford to take care of his children, he tosses Bart and Lisa into the woods. The kids come across parodies of the Three Bears, Rapunzel, and trolls. A witch tries to eat them but fails. Pretty funny, right? Okay, maybe that’s not the word for it. I guess it was kind of neat to see famous fairy tales in the Simpsons style? I wasn’t really into the concept of this one so I checked out early on, but it might be more up someone else’s alley.

 

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Night of the Dolphin” – After a visit to an aquarium, Lisa frees a dolphin that she feels would be happier in the ocean, but that dolphin ends up being the dolphin ruler and convinces all other dolphins to revolt against humans. Now THAT’s funny! Dolphins start killing people one at a time, but their revolt escalates to coming up on land and forcing humans back into the sea. THIS ONE WAS GOOD. The story centered around Lisa, so every other member of the town got to pop in and act silly. My favorite moment was Mayor Quimby calling a town meeting to order and saying, “People, please, we’re all frightened and horny.” Hahaha, why are they all horny?! CLASSIC QUIMBY. Even though the concept was really silly, some scenes recreated classic moments from The Birds, with surprisingly creepy results. This is the Treehouse of Horror stuff I love! Keep it up!

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Overall Thoughts – The middle sequence was probably the least funny and least Halloween-y, but luckily that one was bookended by funnier/spookier stories. And you know me, I’m a sucker for ending with a story that brings the whole town into it, so this episode ended on a high note. Let’s keep the good times going!

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treehouse of horror xii wiz kids simpsons harry potter

Treehouse of Horror XII (Season 13, Ep. 1)

Hex and the City” – Hmmmm…hex? Will this be about witches?! No. It will not. Rather, the Simpson family travels to “Ethnictown” to see a fortune teller. Homer accidentally ruins the gypsy’s store so she curses Homer. Marge grows a beard overnight, Homer chokes Bart so much that his neck stretches, and Lisa grows hooves. Worst of all, a helicopter kills Lenny and Carl! No! To end the curse, Homer gets a leprechaun to battle the gypsy, but they end up getting married instead. Bart dies because his floppy neck is too weak to pull his head out of his cereal. Too bad! I liked the wacky versions of characters, and that Yoda officiated the wedding for some reason, but nothing much more memorable than that. Hey, it could’ve been worse!

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House of Whacks” – Salesmen convince Marge to turn the Simpson house into a robotic ultrahouse, which I’m sure will happen without a hitch! The ultrahouse computer, voiced by Pierce Brosnan, begins falling for Marge and tries to eradicate the rest of the family. When the family realizes what’s happening, they shut the computer down in a scene reminiscent of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but instead of deactivating completely, the voice instead loses its British charm. The family donates the computer to Patty and Selma, knowing they could use a man around their apartment, and the computer kills itself. Even though the Simpson family already had a computerized home (in Season 8’s “You Only Move Twice”), this story was different enough to not feel redundant. The episode referenced Pierce Brosnan, Matthew Perry, and Dennis Miller, and even though those people haven’t really been important to pop culture for 15 years, the jokes still worked, especially compared to the recent Jerry Springer or Regis and Kathie Lee references. When Bart sees Dennis Miller as an option for the computer’s voice, he asks, “Isn’t that the voice that caused all those suicides?” to which Homer clarifies, “MURDER-suicides.” CLASSIC MURDER-SUICIDE GAG! Maybe it’s that the pop culture references were clever and quick that they didn’t bother me? WHO CARES, IT WORKED!

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Wiz Kids” – HARRY POTTER TIME! Bart and Lisa attend “Springwart’s School of Magicry” and as you can imagine, Lisa excels while Bart flops. Mr. Burns is re-imagined as Lord Montymort, who recruits Bart to be a wizard powerful enough to fight Lisa. When the siblings collide, Burns transforms into a dragon, and Bart learns the error of his ways in time to defeat Burns with his sister. I guess Harry Potter was so popular that the show couldn’t avoid doing their take on it, but I felt like a lot more could have been done, especially considering how many strong supporting characters center around the school. Oh well, guess I’ll have to write my own parody with better jokes!

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Overall Thoughts – Trivia! The creators were getting sick of coming up with silly nicknames for the credits so they dropped them this year. The show opened with a gag where Mr. Burns was putting up one not so spooky decoration, which started a chain reaction of events leading to some horrific things happening. I really like how this was clearly a one-note joke that they couldn’t fit into any of the segments so instead used it to introduce the show. None of the segments really fit the “horror” conceit, but since this aired shortly after 9/11, it’s possible that the creators didn’t want to do anything too grim so soon after a tragedy.

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treehouse of horror xiii send in the clones simpsons

Treehouse of Horror XIII (Season 14, Ep. 1)

Send in the Clones” – When Homer breaks a hammock, he has to replace it. The end. JUST KIDDING. He buys a magical hammock that creates clones. Realizing how handy it is to have clones around the house to do the things he doesn’t want to do, he creates tons of them. Unfortunately, the clones are a little warped mentally, and when one clone kills Flanders, Homer takes them all to a cornfield to abandon them. He also throws out the magical hammock, which the clones get their hands on, and they create an army of Homers. The military intervenes, but the ending reveals that one of the clones replaced Homer! This segment, similar to “Attack of the 50 foot Eyesores,” felt like a great concept that never really figured out what it wanted to be. The best joke was the Simpson family seeing Kent Brockman report on a horde of Homers, and Bart turning to ask, “Dad, is there something you’d like to tell us about this horde?” See, because they all look like him! Get it?! It’s funny. Shut up. There was also a funny gag where the clones were replicating themselves so frequently that they were turning into different mutations of Homer, including the morbidly obese Homer from Season 7’s “King Size Homer,” the Homer from The Tracey Ullman Show, and even Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Ya know, because that show was just a slightly warped copy of The Simpsons.

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The Fright to Creep and Scare Harms” – When Lisa reds a tombstone that mentions someone getting murdered far too young by gun violence, she convinces Springfield to ban guns. The police even starts a program to exchange guns for money! Unfortunately, the tombstone belonged to Billy the Kid, who returns as a zombie with other famous outlaw zombies. Now they have all the guns! Professor Frink invents a time machine to go back to a time before the guns were banned and instead encourages the town to go to the cemetery to shoot all of the corpses repeatedly as a preventative measure. Another time-traveling Homer appears, this time from the more distant future, and the town just shoots him. Meh. I guess the setup of this segment was clever, but they weren’t really able to capitalize on the premise, much like the previous segment. ALL WELL, CAN’T WIN ‘EM ALL.

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The Island of Dr. Hibbert” – The Simpson family decides to take a vacation to the Island of Lost Souls, where Dr. Hibbert has been transforming Springfield’s citizens into animals. When Marge sneaks out of her cabin to investigate, she gets turned into a cat. When Homer tries to find a cure to turn Marge back, he finds Flanders has transformed into a cow-centaur type of thing and requests Homer to milk him. When Homer confronts Hibbert for these atrocities, he realizes that all animals do is eat and mate and roll around in their own filth, and volunteers himself for transformation! Hibbert turns him into a walrus and everyone is happy! Despite not being all that funny, I enjoyed seeing this interpretation of the H.G. Wells novel because it was much better than the 1996 film version. IMAGINE IF VAL KILMER WAS IN THIS? Now THAT would have been something. Maybe next time, guys. Maybe next time.

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Overall Thoughts – Considering how lacking last year’s installment was on the horror front, I was happy to see this year embrace that angle much more, even if none of the segments were that strong. The opening gag featured a seance to contact Maude Flanders, only for it to have been a practical joke where Bart got to reveal he was the prankster with the line, “It’s me, Bart Simpson!” FLANDERS KNOWS YOUR LAST NAME, BART. Also worth mentioning is this year marked the official transition from the episodes referring to themselves as “Treehouse of Horror” instead of “Simpsons Halloween Special.” DID YOU KNOW THAT, GUYS? THEY CALLED THE EPISODES SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR 13 YEARS.

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Treehouse of Horror XIV reaper madness the simpsons

Treehouse of Horror XIV (Season 15, Ep. 1)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Al “Halloween Names are Back” Jean

Reaper Madness” – Death comes to take Bart, but Homer intervenes to protect his son. He kills the Grim Repear, making it impossible for anyone on earth to die. Homer must embrace the role of the Grim Reaper to restore order and hijinks ensue! When God forces Homer to kill Marge, he instead kills Selma and tries to trick God. The bearded guy (God) doesn’t fall for it, exclaiming, “This isn’t Marge, this is her fat sister Selma.” Hahaha, that’s awesome. I love how morbid this segment was. In the brief period where no one is able to die, Moe tries to hang himself but just dangles there. MOE TRIES TO HANG HIMSELF. Moe is notorious for living a miserable life, so his suicide attempt was incredibly dark yet also hilarious. There’s also a scene at a baseball game where Homer and Bart have terrible seats so Homer just kills everyone in their way until they get to the front. Strong start to this year’s Halloween special, guys! Keep it up!

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Frinkenstein” – Professor Frink wins the Nobel Prize, and during his acceptance speech, reveals that he wished he could impress his dead father. The twist is that Frink kept his dad’s corpse and finds a way to reanimate it! This “Frinkenstein’s Monster,” if you will, wants to replace his old body parts with new ones, killing anyone in his way. Then….oh, I don’t know, he dies or something? They got Jerry Lewis to voice Frink’s dad, so similarly to “Desperately Zeeking Xena,” this segment felt like it was an opportunity to have a guest do a voice before figuring out the best way to utilize them. Since Hank Azaria imitated Jerry Lewis’s character from The Nutty Professor to create Frink’s voice, it only made sense to have Lewis voice the re-animated father, but I think these two worlds colliding didn’t work out too well. I would’ve much preferred a whole episode center around Frink and his father so Jerry Lewis wouldn’t have had to be so…Jerry Lewis. Then again, I’m sure the people who make The Simpsons have a better idea of what to do with things than I do, so I’ll go back to not trying to usurp them.

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Stop the World, I Want to Goof Off” – Bart and Milhouse order a watch that stops time from an old comic book ad. When the watch arrives and actually works, Milhouse acts like a nerd and says he wants to use it to get far ahead on his homework. Luckily Bart talks sense into him and they do a bunch of silly things, most of which involve making people’s pants fall down. When the town realizes these two are responsible, they chase them down, but when Bart uses the watch to stop time long enough to allow them to escape, the watch breaks! It takes 15 years to read the repair manual, but they eventually do it and blame the whole thing on Martin. Stupid Martin. There were a lot of funny visual gags in this episode, because of, ya know, TIME STOPPAGE. Not very scary, not very spooky, but Marge wondering why Bart aged 15 years while the time had stopped and offering no real explanation made me chuckle.

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Overall Thoughts – SILLY NAMES ARE BACK! Phew, that was a rough two years. The show’s opening featured a violent fight between the Simpson family with bats and guns and fire over Halloween candy, which signified the return to more horror-themed segments in the aftermath of toning it down after 9/11. Kang and Kodos pop in to tell the family they’re stupid for celebrating Halloween in November, referencing the fact that the Halloween specials had been airing the first week of November for four consecutive years. STUPID BASEBALL. YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING.

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treehouse of horror xv simpsons the ned zone

Treehouse of Horror XV (Season 16, Ep. 1)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Ghostly McGhosterson

The Ned Zone” – Homer accidentally gives Ned a concussion while using a bowling ball to retrieve a Frisbee from the roof. Much like the events of Stephen King’s The Dead Zone, Flanders begins to have visions of people’s deaths. Homer recognizes Ned’s new-found skill and attempts to cash-in on it. When Flanders admits to having a vision where he shoots Homer, Homer tries to antagonize Ned into shooting him, thus making the premonition come true. When that doesn’t happen, Homer goes to work at the nuclear plant, feeling safe that Ned wasn’t always right. However, Homer is real dumb and at one point thinks Flanders has encouraged him to push a button to make the core explode, and Ned must resort to shooting him to prevent a nuclear holocaust. Obviously I’m a fan of this segment being a Stephen King parody, but that’s because I’m a sucker for a solid horror homage. Also, when Homer asks Ned how he envisioned his death, Homer hopes that it’s in a “naked girl avalanche,” and since I’ve envisioned that as my own death, it resonated deeply with me.

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Four Beheadings and a Funeral” – In Victorian England, the Muttenchop Murderer runs wild! Maybe this is a Jack the Ripper parody? WRONG, MORON. Instead, Lisa and Bart act like Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Well, I guess it could be a parody of both, but who cares? Lisa and Bart track down clues and find that the murder weapon belonged to Ebenezer Burns. The two track Burns to an opium den where they see that Homer is the Muttenchop Murderer. Wait, no, it’s actually Wiggum. It doesn’t really matter because the entire thing was Ralph Wiggum’s opium dream. Man, I sure do hate when anything is revealed to be a giant dream, even in animated form! This segment felt more like a faithful adaptation of a Sherlock Holmes story than a clever twist on Sherlock as a pop culture figure. Not that spooky, not so many chuckles. Womp womp.

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In the Belly of the Boss” – At an “Invention Expo,” Professor Frink creates a shrink ray so he can shrink a giant pill down in size, but before he can shrink it, Maggie crawls in. Then Mr. Burns eats the pill. MAGGIE IS IN MR. BURNS’ STOMACH. Frink shrinks the rest of the family in Fantastic Voyage fashion so they can save Maggie. They run into every obstacle you are currently picturing to get to Maggie, but they didn’t realize the ship was so precisely calibrated that it couldn’t handle the weight of Maggie so Homer stays behind. Before he can be rescued, Homer expands back to full size within Mr. Burns, but with all of Burns’ loose skin, Homer is able to stay alive. I don’t know, guys. This felt like an episode of The Magic School Bus more than anything else. I’d probably give this episode a worse rating if it wasn’t for the weirdness of Homer expanding inside Mr. Burns’ loose skin, because that was REAL gross. Also, this episode gets points for making Maggie an integral part of the story, definitely the Simpson who has had the least importance in every Treehouse of Horror.

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Overall Thoughts – This episode opened with a parody of Perfect Strangers featuring Kang and Kodos, which was weird, and also closed with the Perfect Strangers theme over the end credits. I DON’T GET IT. Maybe this signaled a broader conceptual narrative going forward, since the creators abandoned the wraparounds years? I thought the episode started strong but then just ran out of steam with the next two segments. Faaaaaaaart.

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Stay tuned all this week for reviews on the rest of the episodes! Don’t miss any updates by following @TheWolfman on Twitter or liking “The Wolfman Cometh” on Facebook. You don’t want to miss updates, do you?



EVERY. TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. EVER. [REVIEW] (Pt. 4)

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I’m doing it! I’m really doing it! I’m over the halfway point so be sure to check out Pt. 1, Pt. 2, and Pt. 3 before reading about installments XVI through XX. Can anyone confirm that this post is the first time I say, “I’m losing my mind”? I feel like that would be an easy thing to check, but I don’t have that kind of time. I was cautiously optimistic about these episodes because, even though I hadn’t been watching The Simpsons anymore, public opinion on the quality of these years was pretty low. Or maybe people just thought they were too cool to like the show. WHO KNOWS?! Point is, I was nervous that I would just hate everything, but there was some quality stuff in here! One segment I’d even consider a new all-time favorite! Well, what are you doing looking at this part? Just scroll down to see what the hell I’m talking about.

treehouse of horror xvi i've grown a costume on your face simpsons

Treehouse of Horror XVI (Season 17, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Fearlicia Zalizombie-Decaplanated

Bartificial Intelligence” – When Bart put himself in a coma after jumping out of a window, the Simpsons replace him with a robot son, similar to what happened in the film A.I., which I’m starting to think was an inspiration for this segment. When Bart finally wakes up from the coma, he and the new robot son compete for love from family and friends. Homer goes on a drive with Bart, only to leave him in the woods to die. Bart finds company with a bunch of discarded robots and befriends them. Bart turns on these robots to ultimately destroy his replacement, but before any of that can happen, Homer wakes up, revealing it all to be a dream he had while possessed by the Devil. WAIT, WHAT? Where did that come from? On the one hand, it’s kind of disorienting to negate everything we just watched by revealing it was a dream, but on the other hand, it’s also funny to willingly discredit everything you just watched. I CALL IT A DRAW! Still though, kind of weird to do an A.I. parody.

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Survival of the Fattest” – Mr. Burns invites Homer to a hunting party, which makes Homer think he’s a real special guy. When he gets to Mr. Burns’ house, he sees that lots of other employees were invited, and Homer’s not that special. What a loser. Homer should learn to be thankful that there are so many other people at the party, because it ends up being a party for Mr. Burns to hunt people! Eventually Marge rescues Homer, but not before Burns can kill some people. Ummm, I guess this was okay? And I guess murdering other characters was kind of horrific and that’s why it was here? I don’t know, I think I’m starting to lose my mind.

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I’ve Grown a Costume on Your Face” – Springfield holds a city-wide costume contest to celebrate Halloween, awarding a prized gift certificate to a woman dressed as a witch! When the judges call for the participants to remove their masks, it turns out the witch was a real witch. As punishment for making fun of her or calling her ugly or who knows what, she turns the town into living versions of whatever their costume was. Some of the town prefer their costumed lives, while some don’t, but it doesn’t matter because Maggie, now a witch, turns them all into pacifiers! OH MAN! Everyone in town celebrated Halloween, so that was great. Homer’s costume involved having a detached head, so when his head was actually taken off and he tried to drink beer, he couldn’t. Ya know, because he doesn’t have a stomach. Classic! I’m sure that even if this episode was called “Everyone Wears a Costume” I would have liked it, so the few gags it did have only sweetened the deal.

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Overall Thoughts – The episode opened with a gag about how boring baseball is, which I assume is another jab at how the Treehouse of Horror specials have to air in November. Stick it to the man, TV show! The first two segments underwhelmed me, so I’m glad the final segment hit all the things I come to know and love about these specials. Even if it wasn’t funny enough to redeem the whole episode, I was happy to end on a good seasonal note, at least.

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you gotta know when to golem simpsons treehouse of horror xvii

Treehouse of Horror XVII (Season 18, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: The Less Scary American Remake Of Daniel Chun

Married to the Blob” – When a meteor lands in the Simpsons’ backyard, of course Homer eats the sludge that leaks out. You idiot. This goop transforms him into an eating machine, which he basically was before, but now he also grows in size. There’s a montage of Homer wandering around town eating people with a parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,” know sung as “Baby Got Fat,” by the real Mr. Mix-A-Bunch guy himself! Dr. Phil tries to confront Homer about the issues behind his eating and the town solves the problem by opening a homeless shelter, only to have Homer be waiting on the other side. Guys…this one was pretty good! I liked that it parodied The Blob and I especially liked that it had a really dark ending featuring the deaths of dozens of innocent people. Homeless people, no less! Very mean-spirited. It also had Homer saying, “Must eat. Then poop. Then eat some more. Then eat while pooping,” which made me laugh, as well as a teen saying, “Tell my friends I died kissing a girl,” right before Homer consumed him. This episode is off to a pretty good start!

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You Gotta Know When to Golem” – After a taping of Krusty’s show, Bart goes behind the scenes and finds Krusty’s Golem, a monster from Jewish folklore. Krusty writes orders for the creature on a piece of paper and puts it in the creatures mouth, who then comes to life to do his bidding. Bart takes advantage of the Golem and he now does Bart’s bidding. When ordered to talk, the Golem comes to life for good. The Golem expresses his guilt over all the evil deeds he carried out, so the Simpsons make a female Golem and the two live happily ever after. The fact that this segment told the story of the Golem at all won me over, since I’m really only familiar with the creature from 1915’s The Golem. The Golem was voiced by Richard Lewis and Fran Drescher voiced the female Golem, so that was perfect. There were also a couple of really funny moments, like Krusty explaining his show was broadcasting in HD and revealing how gross his face was when seen in high definition. Remember when that happened? When we realized how gross HD is? That was gross. Guys…this episode is really starting to come together!

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The Day the Earth Looked Stupid” – During the Great Depression, the town of Springfield gets confused by Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds radio broadcast. When the radio says it was invaded by Earth’s closest neighbor, Homer ponders, “…Flanders?” Haha, Homer, you dummy! That’s YOUR neighbor! The town goes crazy and, the next day, Lisa is the only sensible one who tells the town they are stupid for being tricked by a radio broadcast. Kang and Kodos witness the confusion from space and realize how easy it would be to conquer Earth, which they do, and then make a reference to our invasion of Iraq. This was another solid parody, and the sepia-tone really set the animation apart from other segments in recent years. The Iraq War comparison was a bummer, but we also got to see a 1930s Disco Stu say, “Big Band Stu says 23 ska-doo!” so I guess those two cancel each other out.

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Overall Thoughts – Easily the best installment in years, with a solid mix of comedy, influences, and animation styles. Of course, the last segment took place on Halloween and we got to see various incarnations of Springfield residents, AND YOU GUYS KNOW I LOVE THAT! The intro to the episode recreated the intro of the Tales from the Crypt TV show, which was icing on the cake. Are things looking up for the Treehouse of Horror legacy?! STAY TUNED…FOR LIKE 30 SECONDS TO READ WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

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e.t. go home treehouse of horror xviii simpsons

Treehouse of Horror XVIII (Season 19, Ep. 5)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Health Care in this Country

E.T. Go Home” – When Bart goes to the shed in the backyard, he throws a baseball into it and discovers Kodos. Wait, how long have they had a shed? Anyways, Kodos asks for help building a communication device, and thinking that this will result in rescue, Bart helps. It turns out it’s actually a portal to allow more aliens to arrive on Earth and humans are enslaved. YOU IDIOTS! This parody hit all the major points of E.T. and then put their own spin on it, which I always love. One sequence of Homer getting into the shower with “Marge” (actually Kodos) makes this whole episode worth watching. When Kodos doesn’t respond to Homer asking if he can join the shower and gets no answer, Homer clarifies, “As always, silence means yes.” Kodos rubs Homer’s neck, with a request that he rub, “…the neck of my butt.” HAHAHA. Awesome. Followed by Homer warning, “Someone’s taking the highway to the danger zone.” BUTT STUFF. BUTT STUFF RULES. The episode also featured actual music from E.T. to add authenticity and at some point, someone used the phrase “space doggy.” OFF TO A GOOD START, GUYS.

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Mr. and Mrs. Simpson” – This is a parody of the film Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Homer and Marge are both assassins and think their marriage is falling apart, only to realize it’s falling apart because they won’t admit to one another that they’re spies. There’s a shootout and they fall back in love. That’s it. This segment more than any other indicates that the Treehouse of Horror episodes can also be called “Treehouse of Movie Parodies” because this movie isn’t horror. It’s not scary. GUYS, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! The shootout sequence was pretty wacky to watch, mostly because Homer and Marge were violent attacking one another, but that’s really all it had going for it.

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Heck House” – After pulling some successful tricks on Halloween night, Bart, Nelson, and other assorted Springfield children realize tricking is more fun so they go on a pranking spree. To show them their punishment for their sinning, Flanders sets up a haunted house. When it proves ineffective, Flanders transforms into the Devil and takes the kids to Hell to show them what punishment for sinning is REALLY like. Homer gets transformed into spaghetti for his gluttony and Moe is punished for being envious of people who are crotchless. The kids vow to stop sinning and the episode ends. This episode had A) People celebrating Halloween and B) Multiple residents of Springfield showing up. I LOVE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. We also got to see Hell, which was cool, and Moe got to talk about “the crotchless.” Not bad!

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Overall Thoughts -The episode opened with Marge saying, “Remember Halloween? It was last week!” Another classic burn on these episodes not airing until November. Seeing such a good parody of E.T. followed by a parody of something not at all horror was pretty frustrating, so I might have enjoyed that third sequence more if I wasn’t so grumpy. The whole episode ended pretty abruptly, so much like when Treehouse of Horror VI ended with a shot of a city street being confusing, this one also didn’t adequately prepare me to leave the episode behind. Although, to be fair, I only just watched this last week and immediately watched another Treehouse of Horror, but had I watched it live, I might have been bummed.

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it's the grand pmupkin, milhouse simpsons treehouse of horror xix

Treehouse of Horror XIX (Season 20, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: “Enter Selman” by Mattallica

Untitled Robot Parody” – Without many options, Bart resorts to buying Lisa a toy truck for Christmas. WAIT…CHRISTMAS? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. That truck transforms into a robot and then turns other mechanical devices in the Simpson house into robots. Then virtually every machine in the city turns into a robot and they all begin to battle. To prevent the city from being destroyed, Marge gets the robots to make peace with one another, but unfortunately they unite to enslave the humans. I’m glad this one was called “Untitled Robot Parody” because that’s what it felt like. Being set at Christmas was weird, but some of the visual gags of machines coming to life was funny.

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How to Get Ahead in Dead-vertising” When Homer gets into an argument with Krusty, the clown accidentally falls into a tree shredder and dies. A group of lawyers come to Homer and explain that dead celebrities’ likenesses can be used freely, so they encourage him to kill more. After all the celebrities Homer kills see their likenesses being used without their permission, they storm down from Heaven to take him out. When Krusty blows Homer’s head off, he gets to Heaven before all the celebrities and locks them out to enjoy Heaven by himself. Haha, dumb celebrities! I liked the violence of this episode and seeing Homer just killing off George Clooney and Prince for no real reason other than profit. The segment opened with an extended parody of the Mad Men intro, and it’s too soon to tell if it will become dated, but I was relieved to see it wasn’t just a straight Mad Men parody, because, ya know, that’s not horror.

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It’s the Grand Pumpkin, Milhouse” – OH GOD, A CHARLIE BROWN PARODY? This could be terrible. Milhouse sets out to a pumpkin patch to find the “Grand Pumpkin” in much the same way that Linus tried to find the Great Pumpkin. After Milhouse cries over never finding him, his tears bring the Grand Pumpkin to life, who then goes out to explore Springfield. After being fed pumpkin bread, seeing his pumpkin brethren get carved up, and seeing pumpkin seeds roasting and exclaiming, “You roast the unborn?!” the Grand Pumpkin goes on a rampage. Milhouse then prays to Tom Turkey, who comes to life to defeat the Grand Pumpkin, and the town holds a Thanksgiving feast in his honor, starting the cycle over. Man oh man, this was good. The whole thing was animated and colored in the classic Charlie Brown style, and when Marge was about to start talking and we heard squawking, we learned she was just practicing her trombone. Like all the great parodies the show has done, this segment hit the necessary beats of the original story and then explored what would happen if the ending went in a different, hilarious direction. And no, I didn’t cry watching this like I cry watching “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”

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Overall Thoughts – The opening featured Homer trying to vote for Obama and getting eaten by the voting machine, so I didn’t have high hopes for this episode. I DON’T NEED POLITICS IN TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. Luckily, the show got better every minute and the final segment really tugged at my heart strings.

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Treehouse of Horror XX (Season 21, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: The Last Milhouse on the Left

Dial ‘M’ for Murder or Press ‘#’ to Return to Main Menu” – That title might be long, but it’s worth reading because this is a Hitchcock homage! Parodying the plot of Strangers on a Train, Bart offers to “help” Lisa with her teacher if she helps him with his. She agrees, so Bart kills Ms. Hoover while Lisa merely ding-dong-ditches Mrs. Krabappel. Knowing that she doesn’t have it within her to kill a stranger, she instead kills Bart, who deserved to die. This was good! Maybe it shows the strength of Hitchcock that even a parody of his work could be compelling. This segment featured music from Psycho and was in black and white, just to be that much more faithful. I thought the funniest part was Lisa agreeing to ding-dong-ditch Mrs. Krabappel, only to have Bart clarify that you “ditch” the ding dong after murdering them. Hopefully the rest of the episode is this good.

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Don’t Have a Cow, Mankind” – In a new Krusty Burger promotion, cows are fed grade A beef and then those cows are turned into burgers. This results in a zombie-like outbreak happening and then we are shown what has happened 28 days later. Ya know, like the movie…the movie 28 Days Later…that had zombies. In this apocalyptic world, the virus has spread and not many residents survive. The Simpson family leaves the safety of their house to find food, and when Bart accidentally eats one of the infected burgers and doesn’t turn into a “Muncher,” the family realizes he’s the key to surviving. Apu helps escort the family to safety, despite them bailing on him at their first opportunity, and to save humanity, the survivors must eat food that has been cooked in Bart’s bath water. The humor and horror combined with the apocalyptic setting made this whole segment feel truly cinematic. My favorite bit was Homer exclaiming, “To the panic room!” when his home was being invaded, and when he learned he didn’t have a panic room, he shouted, “To the panic room store!” HOMER HOW CAN YOU BE SO DUMB?!

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There’s No Business Like Moe Business” – Instead of a movie parody, this segment is a parody of the musical Sweeney Todd, apparently. Moe accidentally wounds Homer critically and uses this as an opportunity to make his move on Marge. Serving her beer with Homer’s blood in it has a strange effect on her, which Moe uses to his advantage. To help Marge move on, Moe gives Marge a letter “Homer” wrote where he admits he’s gay. Homer springs back to life to win his wife back, which he does, and the show ends. You know how people love when there are songs in The Simpsons? Well imagine the opposite feeling of that. Are you picturing it? Well, that’s the feeling I have about music on the show. Just really not for me. Having a segment based on a musical, featuring singing and dancing, didn’t appeal to me at all, but I’m sure other people loved it. I must admit that Homer’s song about being gay was pretty funny, since it was so out of character for him, but that’s the only musical bit I enjoyed. Oh well!

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Overall Thoughts – I’m not that familiar with Sweeney Todd, but if I was, I might call this installment “Treehouse of Parodies” because of the quality interpretations of popular stories. But, I’m not, so I won’t. The opening of this episode was pretty awesome, featuring Monster Squad-esque archetypes putting on Halloween costumes to kiss babes at a Halloween party, only for their wives to catch them and get mad. I would’ve watched a whole segment with those guys! Another one of the better and more consistent episodes of the last few years.

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Stay tuned all this week for reviews on the rest of the episodes! Don’t miss any updates by following @TheWolfman on Twitter or liking “The Wolfman Cometh” on Facebook. You don’t want to miss updates, do you?


EVERY. TREEHOUSE OF HORROR. EVER. [REVIEW] (Pt. 5)

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HOLY CRAP. I DID IT. I WATCHED THEM ALL. Before reading my thoughts on the final segments, read Pt. 1, Pt. 2, Pt. 3 and Pt. 4 now. NOW, I SAY! I’m so happy this is over and I’m so happy to have discovered so many cool segments of the show that I had no idea I’d enjoy so much. Oh, and I hate all of you who told me I should do this. Seriously? What’s wrong with you? Without further delay, here’s my rundown of the final five episodes!

treehouse of horror xxi tweenlight simpsons

Treehouse of Horror XXI (Season 22, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: “Eh, let’s go with yank my area again.”

War and Pieces” – Marge interrupts Bart and Milhouse playing video games to make them clean the attic where they find a spooky board game called “Satan’s Path.” BADASS. The game transports them to a world where popular board games run rampant, much like Jumanji, but with board games. Form Monopoly to Battleship to Operation, the kids must navigate their way to safety. Milhouse sacrifices his life to help Bart, who uses violent methods learned in video games to destroy the threats, and finally confronts the final game, Mouse Trap. Despite the cage never actually falling correctly, Bart manages to escape and restore Milhouse. The two then play Hangman and die. I don’t know about laws and stuff, but I’m glad that this segment used actual games instead of just off-brand parodies like they did for “Attack of the 50 ft. Eyesores.” When you see Operation, they call it Operation. Highlight was someone riding in on a train and exclaiming, “There was a bank error in my favorite and I’m spending it all on Oriental Avenue prostitutes!” Haha, because prostitution is funny.

 

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Master and Cadaver” – The segment starts with a shark puking up Homer, only for Homer to say, “Man, it’s been a crazzzzzzzzzy morning.” THAT’S AWESOME. He and Marge are sailing the seas when they rescue someone from a lifeboat. This stranger claims everyone on his boat was poisoned and he was lucky to escape alive. Something about the stranger makes Homer suspect he might be a threat. Homer kicks the survivor off the boat, but when he and Marge come across another boat, they realize the stranger was telling the truth. Then everyone on the boat is alive and…ya know what? It doesn’t matter. The segment ends with the reveal that this whole thing was dreamed up by Maggie while she was playing with toys in the tub. You all know how I feel about plot twists like that, right? I AM NOT A FAN. But you know what else? Homer getting puked up by a shark was pretty funny.

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Tweenlight” – Lisa develops a crush on a new kid in school who, for some reason, likes her back. He wants to turn her into a vampire, but Homer doesn’t want that so he goes to Dracula-Land to find the boy’s father. They all confront one another and Homer gets the vampires to bite him and absorb his cholesterol and die. THE END. Remember when Treehouse of Horror did a Harry Potter parody, most likely only because of how popular it was? This just felt like the Twilight version of that. Oh yeah, and there was a scene where a character exclaimed “You’re tearing me apart!” in reference to The Room, which really solidified how much this segment relied too heavily on pop culture trends. I don’t really remember why, but at one point Homer danced with Santa’s Little Helper, and that’s about as funny as this segment got.

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Overall Thoughts – I should have known I wasn’t going to enjoy this installment as much as previous years from the opening gag alone. There was a bit about using DVR technology to fast forward through the whole episode, only to change the channel to a version of The Office but with monsters? I enjoy The Simpsons for its timeless references, so I think this one just relied too heavily on things in popular culture at the time. Really, do people think about The Office anymore?

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Treehouse of Horror XXII (Season 23, Ep. 3)

Funniest Credits Nickname: The Cabinet of Dan Caligari-neta

The Diving Bell and the Butter Ball” – Homer falls off the roof while decorating for Halloween and also gets bitten by a black widow, causing him to be paralyzed. Lisa tries reading him “The Brothers Karamazov” but he farts to get her to leave him alone. This is how he communicates. With farts. Homer gets bitten by another spider, but this time it grants him the power to shoot webs like Spider-Man, despite still being paralyzed. This was a parody of the movie The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, but I’m curious how many people knew about that movie, even back in 2011. It felt like a really bizarre choice, because it’s not really a “horror” movie, and the whole segment feels weird. I don’t get it, guys.

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D for Diddly” – While Flanders drives through a bad part of town, a voice that he thinks is God instructs him to kill bad people. He does this through the whole episode. BUT WAIT! It’s not actually God, it’s just Homer telling Flanders to kill his rivals. God intervenes and strangles Homer. What I can tell you is that, if you are a fan of the show Dexter, you might have liked this segment, because apparently it was a parody of it. As someone who has seen a few episodes of Dexter, I had no idea what the hell was going on. Maybe I missed a lot of jokes and references to the show and fans would have enjoyed this segment more, but it really wasn’t for me.

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In the Na’vi” – THIS IS A PARODY OF AVATAR. Bart plays the wheelchair-bound guy who becomes an avatar to interact with native people, who look like Kang and Kodos. Bart impregnates one of the aliens or something and someone is mad? GUYS, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED. Again, Avatar had such a huge cultural impact, it was hard to avoid, but it really bums me out that the “horror” part of “Treehouse of Horror” gets ignored for the opportunity to do a parody. They should call it “Treehouse of,” I guess? But that wouldn’t make sense. Also, Avatar is like 15 hours long, so trying to distill everything that happens into a coherent 7-minute sequence only made the story that much more confusing.

 

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Overall Thoughts: Bad news: I didn’t really like anything about this episode. Good news: this is the first whole episode where I never really liked any segment that much! And I’m 22 episodes in! That’s actually surprising to me, since I figured I would have been burned out on the show much earlier on. I should also mention that the opening to the episode had a scene that parodied 127 Hours, another example of how being timely could seem like a great idea in the moment, but lose relevance just a few years later.

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Treehouse of Horror XXIII (Season 24, Ep. 2)

Funniest Credits Nickname: Halloween Name

The Greatest Story Ever Holed” – A Large Hadron Collider creates a black hole, which Lisa is somehow able to take home and keep in the basement. As it’s sucking up things nearby and causing destruction, Homer calls down to ask if it’s a stray dog. When Lisa responds that it’s worse than a stray dog, Homer asks, “Two stray dogs?” HOMER, YOU GOOF! Lisa warns the family that they can’t throw things into it, otherwise it will grow bigger and destroy more things, the family doesn’t listen. Homer promotes a business called “Magic Craphole Waste Removal” and the whole town brings their junk. The black hole grows so big that it consumes the whole town, until Maggie’s pacifier gets sucked in and plugs it. On the other side of the black hole, the residents of Springfield learn they’ve been transported to another world and an alien race considered all of these items offerings. Hey, how about that? This wasn’t too bad! The whole town got destroyed, Milhouse’s first home run got sucked into a black hole (stupid Milhouse), and they even managed to slip a jab about Zunes in there. Things are looking up for Treehouse of Horror!

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Un-normal Activity” – In a Paranormal Activity parody, Homer decides to record the strange events happening in their house while everyone sleeps. Footage captures Marge standing over Homer while he sleeps, and when he sees her, he tries to sleep with her. Haha, classic Homer! Much like the film series, a supernatural entity tries to take Maggie and Marge reveals her origins with the supernatural being, which involves her, Patty, and Selma worshiping Satan as kids. THAT’S SO BADASS! When the demonic force appears, he agrees he’ll leave the family alone if he can have a three-way…with him, another demon, and Homer, to which Homer agrees. WHOA. WHAT THE HELL!? That’s pretty wild. That’s the kind of crazy stuff I like seeing thrown into these episodes. Another bit that I laughed way too hard at was Marge spying on Homer while he’s peeing, and in Paranormal Activity fashion, time-lapse footage shows him peeing for an hour and a half. Haha, stupid big-bladdered Homer!

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Bart and Homer’s Excellent Adventure” – In a Back to the Future parody, Bart travels back in time to 1974 to buy a comic book. He bumps into his parents and inadvertently prevents them from falling in love, but when he looks at a photo he has with him, he realizes his life would be better if they didn’t get married. When Bart travels back to the present, Marge has married Artie Ziff (once again voiced by Jon Lovitz) instead of Homer. This won’t stop Homer! He uses the time machine to get a bunch of versions of himself throughout history to confront Artie, and although he loses the battle, Marge realizes she loves all of these versions of Homer and they all live happily ever after. Not too bad, but most of what charmed me about this segment was the return of Artie Ziff! Great job, buddy!

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Overall Thoughts: Solid throughout! I might have enjoyed this episode more than I had reason to because of my disappointment with the previous installment, but whatever, at least I laughed at stuff! Again, the last segment was just another opportunity to do a movie parody, but it could have been much worse. Was there some sort of press release that explains why they just do a bunch of parodies now? Maybe I’ll never know.

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Treehouse of Horror XXIV (Season 25, Ep. 2)

Funniest Credits Nickname: World War B – with Animal Zombies

Oh, The Places You’ll D’oh!” – Homer is “The Fat in the Hat” in this Dr. Seuss parody. It’s Halloween night and he comes to take Bart, Lisa, and Maggie on a Halloween adventure. Yo….straight up…I don’t know what the hell was going on. SO MANY THINGS WERE HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE. In that regard, I guess it was an authentic tribute to Dr. Seuss stories/animated specials? There was rhyming and a Dr. Seuss animation style, but I’m not a huge Seuss fan so I wasn’t at all interested. Remember how I didn’t like “There’s No Business Like Moe Business” because it was a musical? I assume this segment might be near and dear to someone’s heart, but definitely not to mine. Fart.

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Dead and Shoulders” – While flying a kite near an airport to annoy planes, Bart gets decapitated when he ties the kite string around his neck. His only option is to have his head sewn to Lisa’s and go along on her daily activities. When Bart learns he can control her body when she goes to sleep, he attempts to chop her head off. Both of their heads get chopped off and the only option is for Lisa’s head to attach to Krusty’s and Bart’s head to attach to Selma’s. I….didn’t really like this one either. Not because it was too gimmicky or anything, it just felt kind of tacked on. Remember how I didn’t like “Homer’s Nightmare” back in Treehouse of Horror II? Well, this is the same thing. It just…exists. Dang, this is bumming me out. Can I be done yet?

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Freaks No Geeks” – In a parody of Freaks, Mr. Burns runs a carnival where Springfield residents are given freaky attributes. Homer is the strongman and Marge is engaged to him. I don’t know if this is an actual line or just a note I took, but apparently “Moe is the ugliest freak!” Way to be on your game, Wolfman. Anyways, when Moe falls for Marge, Homer plots to get her to marry Moe, only to kill Moe and take his fortune or something. Things don’t work out that way and the freaks turn on Homer and turn him into a duck/man hybrid and kill Mr. Burns. The segment cuts to the present where Homer says, “And that, kids, is how I met your mother!” because apparently they really wanted to reference that sitcom. A pretty good homage to a really disturbing movie, but seeing the Springfield residents animated as sideshow freaks was more of a bummer than a joy. Also, Freaks in general is pretty disturbing, so it’s no surprise that even this version of that story is pretty unsettling.

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Overall Thoughts: Dammit. Maybe I let my hopes get too high after the last episode, thinking the worst of times was over, but that’s what I get for having hopes. On a positive note, the opening was directed by Guillermo del Toro so we got to see the classic opening with a bunch of characters from his movies thrown in there! WE EVEN SAW A PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE REFERENCE! Why couldn’t that have been an entire segment? Does anyone have a time machine?

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THE SIMPSONS: Horror film "The Others" is spoofed in the all-new "Treehouse of Horror XXV" episode of THE SIMPSONS airing Sunday, Oct. 19 (8:00-8:30 PM ET/PT) on FOX. THE SIMPSONS ª and © 2014 TCFFC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Treehouse of Horror XXV (Season 26, Ep. 4)

Funniest Credits Nickname: See No Evil. No Wait… There She Is

School is Hell” – Bart gets stuck in detention for a really long time and uncovers a desk that’s a portal to Hell. Bart and Lisa accidentally travel through the portal to Hell’s elementary school. While there, the two attend classes that encourage demons to be as evil as possible, so Bart excels for once! Bart and Lisa travel back to earth but, after being such a good student, Bart asks if he can go back to Hell. He does, and his final test is torturing Homer. We’ve seen Hell in other Treehouse of Horror installments but never quite in this way. It’s generally just for a few scenes, but a big chunk of this episode treated Hell like an actual location and not just a gag. Another note I took was that apparently Nelson says, “I wanna see boobs in the soup,” at some point, but I have no goddamned idea what that means anymore. Oh yeah! And at one point, the demon version of Superintendent Chalmers yells, “Skin him!” when he gets upset, instead of his classic, “Skinner!” So far, so good.

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A Clockwork Yellow” – By my count, this is the third time a Treehouse of Horror segment has referenced A Clockwork Orange! This one is MUCH more direct, in that it’s a retelling of the movie. Moe leads the gang of Homer, Lenny, and Carl, and they do bad boy stuff. When Homer gets invited to Marge’s house, the time-lapse sequence that mimics one in A Clockwork Orange just shows Homer eating all of Marge’s food. Ya know, because he’s fat. Moe gets kicked out of the gang and becomes a bartender. The famous eye clamp scene is recreated with Moe being forced to watch programming on FOX. Take THAT, TV network! Nelson and his pals take over the gang activity years later, but Moe asks his former pals to join him in one last confrontation. Moe’s gang infiltrates an Eyes Wide Shut type of orgy and the ensuing fight includes parodies to Full Metal Jacket and 2001: A Space Odyssey. The segment ends with Stanley Kubrick watching his creation and saying he wants to burn it and start from scratch. I really like how this segment, much like “Dial ‘M’ for Murder or Press ‘#’ to Return to Main Menu,” went all-out in parodying one specific filmmaker. It feels like they won’t make thinly-veiled references to Kubrick anymore because they did such a good job with this one. Also, the music was awesome because it’s the same music as in A Clockwork Orange.

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The Others” – When the Simpson family finds frosty chocolate milkshakes in their house and the only thing on TV is Married…With Children, they realize something is off! After some investigating, they realize they’re being haunted by their former selves. Not, like, dead versions of themselves or anything, but haunted by their counterparts that haven’t been seen since appearing on The Tracey Ullman Show! Trouble arises when Homer falls for the alternate version of Marge, forcing the current Marge to compete for her husband’s attention. Thinking Homer is just attracted to ghosts, current Marge kills herself to seduce her husband from beyond. Tracey Ullman Homer gets mad that Homer is seducing his wife and kills current Homer. A whole bunch of characters all start killing each other and it’s complete madness and then more and more versions of the family show up! There’s a Pixar style family and an anime style family and an Archer style family and a Minions style family and oh my god it is just insanity. From a plot standpoint, this segment was a mess, but from a conceptual standpoint, it was pretty creative. Merely having the cast recreate their vocal styles from their original incarnations was cool enough, but seeing the family in all these different styles was neat and came from an organic place instead of a gimmicky one. It also gave the creators the opportunity to pay respect to other current animated shows, like Adventure Time and Archer. What a bunch of nice guys!

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Overall Thoughts: I was apprehensive when the show started because it was a late night talk show format introducing all these special guests and I figured they cashed in on a bunch of nonsensical cameos, only for these “special guests” to have been bodies nailed to a wall to spell out a seasonal message. Haha, fooled ya! Well, fooled me, not ya. Would that be “ma”? Whatever. Since last year was a little rocky, I thought this one was much better and hopefully signals more good times to come, and fewer movie parodies.

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THAT’S IT. IT’S FINALLY OVER! I am free of my curse! What did I learn? Well, I guess I learned my prediction was accurate about how the earlier seasons were going to be more solid, but that made the quality segments really stand out in later years. I’d say my absolute favorite installment, start-to-finish, would have to be Treehouse of Horror VIII. Come on, “Homega Man”? “Easy Bake Coven”? Those were unstoppable. Outside of that episode, these are my top ten favorite segments through the whole series, in chronological order:

  1. “Terror at 5 1/2 Feet” – Treehouse of Horror IV
  2. “Time and Punishment” – Treehouse of Horror V
  3. “Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace” – Treehouse of Horror VI
  4. “The Thing and I” – Treehouse of Horror VII
  5. “Night of the Dolphin” – Treehouse of Horror XI
  6. “Reaper Madness” – Treehouse of Horror XIV
  7. “You Gotta Know When to Golem” – Treehouse of Horror XVII
  8. “E.T. Go Home” – Treehouse of Horror XVIII
  9. “It’s the Grand Pumpkin, Milhouse” – Treehouse of Horror XIX
  10. “Dial ‘M’ for Murder or Press ‘#’ to Return to Main Menu” – Treehouse of Horror XX

That’s it! Thanks for checking out all of these reviews, if you did. If you’re only reading this sentence, how the hell did you manage that? I also have to say that this past Sunday’s Halloween episode of The Simpsons was a lot of fun and hopefully that becomes a tradition as well. Having a longer time allotment to tell a story really helps the show and makes things feel less rushed. Happy Halloweiner, everybody!


Most Memorable Music from the Star Wars Saga

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How does one begin to describe the power of Star Wars, the power of John Williams, or the power of John Williams’ contributions to the Star Wars universe? IT CAN’T BE DONE! Few people in the film industry deserve the moniker of “living legend” more than John Williams, thanks to his incredible contributions to films like Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Superman, the Indiana Jones films, E.T., Jurassic Park, the Harry Potter films and many, MANY more. Hearing the opening notes of any of those films’ themes instantly transports you to the fantastical adventures found in those films, and the same can be said of any of the following tracks. The music of the Star Wars films resonates just as deeply with audiences as any of the characters, stories, or visuals in the films, thanks to the talent of Williams. Whenever I explore the behind-the-scenes stories of films that created decades-spanning legacies, I’m surprised with how close to disaster those films were, and the same goes for the musical decisions for Star Wars. With the disco movement being in full swing at the time of production, many of the film’s producers urged George Lucas to use a hip disco soundtrack to reflect the music of the era. He fought back and chose John Williams to create a score, aiming for a more timeless feel, and he sure was right. Can you imagine Star Wars with ABBA and the Bee Gees in the background!? Although that does sound fantastic for a completely different reason, there’s no question that the Star Wars films would be as revered as they are today without Williams. Check out what I think are the most memorable musical contributions to the Star Wars saga!

Episode IV – A New Hope

“Main Credits/Rebel Blockade Runner”

Well, duh. Of COURSE this is the first entry, and it’s arguably the most iconic piece of music from the entire saga, if not the history of cinema. Following the subtle title card of “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” came the giant “STAR WARS” logo with a cacophony of brass that blew everyone’s minds out of the back of their heads. Like a bolt of lightning directly to your heart, few experiences in life can match the excitement of sitting in a theater with an audience, all waiting with baited breath for the film to start when the logo hits the screen with Williams’ iconic theme behind it. Man…it’s just the best.

“The Hologram/Binary Sunset”

Remove all the creatures, space battles, robots and visual effects, and Star Wars is a story about a kid who knows he’s destined for greater things. Once the excitement of this far, far away galaxy’s fantastical elements starts to wear off, we see Luke (Mark Hammill) step out of his aunt and uncle’s house to gaze at the bleak, desert landscape in a scene similar to ones we’ve seen in many a western. However, Williams’ score, combined with the sight of two, yes TWO suns, reminded us we were on a whimsical journey like one we’d never seen, while also giving Luke some emotional gravitas.

“Cantina Band”

Easily one of the most iconic sequences ever put to film, Luke and Obi-Wan’s (Alec Guinness) trip to find a pilot in the Mos Eisley Cantina gave George Lucas the opportunity to showcase how far his imagination could take audiences. The diversity of characters in the sequence let our minds run wild trying to imagine histories and storylines for all these characters, including the house band, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes.Who the hell are these guys? Why do their heads look like butts? How much do they get paid for this gig? Do they have a record contract or are they hoping to one day be discovered by Max Reebo so he can release their debut 7″? Also, I’d say you’ve found yourself a friend for life if you can start singing this song acapella and have someone else join in to sing it with you.

“The Throne Room/End Title”

They destroyed the Death Star, sent Darth Vader into a never-ending tailspin and lived to tell the tale. You better BELIEVE our heroes finally get the fanfare and accolades they deserve. After our heroes have returned to the relative safety of their base, the film’s opening song is mirrored with another swell of brass and shot of the royal throne room where Luke and Han (Harrison Ford) receive medals from Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher). Even good ol’ Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and the droids get to stand up there! Those guys are important too! We all dream of one day walking down a long corridor with this music blaring, whether it be to get an award or get married or anything else, representing the ultimate sign of honor.

 

Episode V – Empire Strikes Back

“The Imperial March (Darth Vader’s Theme)”

For all the hope that the saga’s main theme fills you with, this song equally fills you with dread. Probably the second most well-known piece of music in all of the films, a lot of people don’t know it never appeared in the first film. I mean, DORKS know that, but I remember my disappointment as a kid when I bought the soundtrack to the first film and didn’t get to hear this theme on it. Other than maybe the theme to Jaws, which Williams is also responsible for, few other pieces of music can fill someone with such a sense of impending doom as this track.

“Han Solo and the Princess”

Guys, remember the first time you saw Star Wars and thought that maybe Han and Leia didn’t really like each other? I mean, she kissed Luke! TWICE! And Han and Leia were constantly bickering and calling each other mean names, like “Your Highness” or “Nerf Herder”! Williams got to flex his romantic muscles in scenes featuring the two characters to create music that exuded love and longing that helped serve as the romantic backbone of the saga. This music and its many reprises helped remind audiences that Han and Leia’s could survive any situation, no matter how dire.

 

Episode VI – Return of the Jedi

“Parade of the Ewoks”

Contrary to the opinion of many, Ewoks do not suck. I’m not saying I’m a huge Ewok guy, but anyone who tries to dismiss the whole movie JUST because of these furry little creatures probably forgets just how silly so many other parts of the saga are. Return of the Jedi brought us back to Tattooine, back to Dagobah and also gave us another Death Star, so the only new environment from the film is the Forest Moon of Endor. By the way, this is the moon that orbits Endor, not Endor itself, which is a gaseous system, so make sure to correct people on that. BUT I DIGRESS! For this new location, Williams gave us a playful, yet exotic soundscape with enough whimsy in it to remind you these movies are supposed to be fun and joyful, Ewok haters be damned.

“Ewok Celebration (Yub Nub)”

Hey, guys, relax, I didn’t say BEST music, I said most memorable. Much like the “Cantina Song,” “Yub Nub” is another flag you can plant to recognize fellow dorks. Missing from all the Special Edition releases of Return of the Jedi, the original theatrical version from the film isn’t even available on the original soundtrack release! What’s that crap about? “Victory Celebration,” the track that replaced it in the Special Editions, spans multiple musical elements from the entire six-episode saga and is still a good song, but “Yub Nub” will always be near and dear to the hearts of those who loved the theatrical versions of the film before the Special Editions came around.

 

Episode I – The Phantom Menace

“Episode I – Duel of the Fates”

Apart from the original theatrical releases of the first trilogy, the anticipation leading towards the release of The Phantom Menace was one of the most exciting times in history to be a Star Wars fan. “Duel of the Fates” debuted just a few weeks before Phantom Menace came out, but this was our first taste of new music from Williams’ upcoming score and fans were clamoring to get any new tastes of that galaxy far, far away. The opening notes come from a seemingly massive choir, which shocked fans, seeing as vocals were almost completely missing from the original trilogy’s score. The song’s video acted as more of a teaser trailer for the film, which included brief segments of dialogue interspersed with behind-the-scenes footage, completely overpowering your nerd brain with excitement and anticipation. Even if the film didn’t quite meet the expectations that “Duel of the Fates” created, the song is just as exciting, energizing and powerful as ever, and I think we can all agree that the lightsaber duel in the film’s climax is one of the best fights in the whole saga.

 

Episode II – Attack of the Clones

“Across the Stars (Love Theme from Star Wars: Episode II)”

Echoing the effectiveness of Han and Leia’s theme, this piece of music helped establish the romance between Anakin (Hayden Christiansen) and Amidala (Natalie Portman) while also conveying the forbidden and forlorn nature of their affair. Tragic and passionate all at once, this song and its reprises struck the nostalgic heartstrings of audiences and helped sell the film’s romantic core more than any playful picnic could.

 

Episode III – Revenge of the Jedi

“Anakin vs. Obi-Wan”

The sequence that the entire prequel trilogy built towards and the scene that fans had wanted to see since learning of Obi-Wan and Darth Vader’s, well, “complicated” history, brought together elements from both “Duel of the Fates” and the “Imperial March” to create a massive soundscape. Although it might not be as recognizable or unique as the other songs on the list, the music, partnered with the violent conflict, the explosions of lava and emotional acceptance of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s opposing ideals created an intense and memorable sequence.

 

Episode VII – The Force Awakens

“Rey’s Theme”

A major gripe audiences had about the prequel trilogy was that it didn’t feel like the events of those films took place in the same universe as the original trilogy, an issue the filmmakers tried to correct for when making The Force Awakens. Although we don’t see any characters from the original trilogy in the first 30 minutes of TFA, those early sequences feel very familiar. From TIE Fighters to stormtroopers to men in black cloaks wearing helmets using the Force, we believe that these elements are all natural evolutions of what we saw in earlier films. The first moment that felt truly new and unique was Rey (Daisy Ridley) hopping on a sled with starship parts she salvaged from a Star Destroyer, riding down to her speeder as whimsical woodwinds played. Audiences have come to expect a fair share of massive brass for important themes in Star Wars, but these subtle chords, combined with a sequence of Rey’s day-to-day activities, marked the first moment in the film that showed fans that this film would give us incredible new characters that would get as close to our hearts as characters from the original films.

 

Miss anything? Feel free to leave a comment with your favorite piece of music or let @TheWolfman know on Twitter!


Best Patrons of the Mos Eisley Cantina

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Also known as a “wretched hive of scum and villainy,” the cantina in Mos Eisley set the standard for showcasing ragtag groups of otherworldly characters. This setting, combined with a plethora of weird and wild faces, stands as a testament to the creative minds behind Star Wars. Even though most of these characters only saw a few seconds of screen time, the filmmakers didn’t hold back when creating a vast array of characters that sparked countless stories that audiences could concoct in their minds to make this galaxy the most bizarre we’d ever seen. This sequence also gave us our introductions to Han Solo and Chewbacca, two dudes who just hung out there, two of the most beloved characters in all of film. If just two of these characters could be so interesting, imagine if we explored any other characters from the cantina? CAN YOU IMAGINE?! Check out who my favorite characters from the cantina and see how they stack up to your personal picks!

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Hem Dazon, a.k.a. The Creepy Peeper

This little creep is the first alien you meet in the cantina so he’ll always stick out to me. You don’t really get a good shot of him in the later cantina scenes, but I can only imagine this guy constantly butting in where he’s not wanted. “You’re trying to look around the cantina? BOOM! I’m in your face. Let me tell you what’s going on in MY life.”

Arleil Schous star wars mos eisley cantina wolfArleil Schous, a.k.a. Wolf Guy Thing

Well, of COURSE this guy who looks like a wolf would be one of my favorites. I might think he’s cool, but he really needs to learn when to say “no,” because those eyes look real bloodshot. Why hasn’t the bartender kicked him out yet? YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, I’M CALLING YOU OUT, WUHER.

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Figrin D’an, a.k.a. Groovy Tune Player

Although all of the Modal Nodes are memorable in their own right, there’s just something special about Figrin and the way he wailed on that Kloo Horn that made an impact on audiences everywhere. Either that, or the fact that all of their heads look like butts.

 

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BoShek, a.k.a. Scott Thompson

A little-known fact about BoShek is that he replaced Thompson in the wake of Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy.

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Dr. Evazan, a.k.a. Reject from The Twilight Zone‘s “Eye of the Beholder”

Poor Cornelius Evazan. All he tried to do was warn Luke about the curse or mortality before Obi-Wan rudely interrupted him. The original line was, “You’ll be dead! Well, eventually. My parents died recently, and I’ve been really torn up about it, but I try my best to be a good person so that my time on this planet is spent trying to make it a better place, so in that way, my legacy will truly never die. Also, sorry for being curt, I just get mocked a lot for my ugly face.”

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Dice Ibegon, a.k.a. the Sarlaac’s Younger Brother

Talk about having a chip on his shoulder! Poor Dice constantly had to cover for his misbehaving older brother, to the extent that Dice often felt like some sort of puppet.

 

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Kabe, a.k.a. Mouse Bat Guy

Look at this little guy! He just wants some Blue Milk! I don’t think Blue Milk is alcoholic though, otherwise the Lars homestead must regularly get pretty wild. Also, Kabe might not be reaching for Blue Milk, but whatever he’s drinking must make him extra adorable. HE EVEN SQUEAKS!

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Karoly D’ulin and Shada D’ukal, a.k.a. Bar Babes

Next to Princess Leia, Oola, Mon Mothma and Sy Snootles would be this duo on the list of most eligible bachelorettes in the galaxy. Although, let’s face it, these women are clearly out of our league. Look at their hats and/or hairdos, whatever the hell those things are on top of their heads. Just, whatever you do, don’t call them sisters. They aren’t. Just look at their last names!

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Kitik Keed’kak, a.k.a. Praying Mantis

This is a big praying mantis. That’s it. I don’t know if there was a praying mantis costume on sale or what, but that’s all his name should have been. Something like B’ig Prying M’antyss.

 

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Momaw Nadon, a.k.a. Snail-Looking Guy

Sorry, Momaw Nadon, you don’t deserve to be reduced to snail comparisons. I am truly sorry. It’s not your fault that all Ithorians have hunched backs and wide-set eyes, it’s in your genes! But, still, come on man, you could wear some brighter colors to not look like such a slug, couldn’t you?

Muftak star wars mos eisley cantina

Muftak, a.k.a. Spider Eyed Furry Weird Tongue Man

Yo, straight up, this fool is probably the most disgusting thing in that whole cantina. Nothing grosses me out as much as thinking of ordering a drink when this guys sludges past me and his matted fur grinds up against my bare skin. I don’t even want to think why he’s smacking that gross tongue of his around. However, if tongue wiggling is some sort of physical handicap, I apologize for being insensitive.

Ponda Baba star wars mos eisley cantina

Ponda Baba, a.k.a. One-Armed Butt Mouth

This cantina sure does have a lot of occupants with butts in the wrong places. Giving Muftak a run for his money, Ponda Baba ranks close to the top of grossest guys in the place. Poor Ponda pushed the wrong buttons and ended up receiving the business end of Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, becoming the first of many to lose an appendage to a Jedi’s most trusted weapon.

Think I left someone out? Feel free to leave a comment with your favorite character or let @TheWolfman know on Twitter!


Jack Goes Home (2016) [REVIEW]

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“After he went boating, he had to return to where his adventure began. JACK GOES HOME.” Okay, well, maybe that’s not actually the tagline for this movie, but it should be! Granted, Jack Goes Home has no connection to Jack Goes Boating, but Jack goes somewhere in both of these movies, so I wanted to start a campaign for the “Jack Goes Cinematic Universe.” He’ll go to the store, go to Vietnam, go to the bathroom…Jack Goes Everywhere! Oooh, maybe that will be the last movie.  Anyways, time to learn what happened to Jack when he went home!

 

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“Listen, we need to talk about Kingpin…”

After learning that his father died in a horrible car accident, Jack (Rory Culkin) leaves his pregnant wife behind to help his mom (Lin Shaye) deal with the funeral arrangements. While home, he reconnects with old friends, spends time with his mom, meets an overly friendly neighbor, and discovers a cassette tape with a mysterious recording from when Jack was a baby. The tape features Jack’s father telling Jack to investigate the attic, whenever he hears the tape, which Jack now finds in the present to be locked. When Jack confronts his mother, he learns that the mysteries have only just begun, and he realizes that going home might be the biggest mistake he’s ever made and that some memories of home are best left forgotten.

 

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Starring Cillian Murphy Culkin!

Okay, firstly, I’d like to apologize for how vague that description is because it sounds like I’m paid to cryptically market the film. BUT NO, I’m just trying to help! Ya see, what makes this movie so engaging is the dark and disturbing turns the plot takes. For a good chunk of its running time, Jack Goes Home feels like Garden State with a much more somber soundtrack. Remember when Natalie Portman dances around or something and then Zach Braff admits he was the reason his mom was in a wheelchair, and it was a big shock? Okay, well imagine the big shock was something WAY more fucked up, and that’s more like Jack Goes Home. Unfortunately, like Garden State, there’s some hokey melodrama that you have to put up with about family and friends and all that crap, but if you can tolerate that, you’ll be golden!

 

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See? Boys can cry and bleed in the shower, too!

Although Garden State by way of We Need to Talk About Kevin might be a fantastic combination for some audiences, I’m unfortunately not one of those people. I couldn’t really connect with the more melodramatic elements about going home and haven’t had to experience the types of trauma shown in the film (luckily), so I never got emotionally invested in the characters or the story. Also, even though this isn’t a traditional horror film, the film goes to some truly horrific places and the last act features some very macabre elements and themes that felt artificially unsettling. Don’t get me wrong, I love some dark and depressing movies, but the last act gets to Von Trier-esque places, but it neither looks as beautiful as his films, carries the same messages of those films, or earns the depravity of those films. But hey! The performances are all good and if my biggest gripe is “it’s just not for me,” that’s pretty good! Luckily, you are not me, so if you like non-traditional horror thrillers, then Jack Goes Home is absolutely worth checking out!

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

IMDb


In a Valley of Violence (2016) [REVIEW]

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TI WESTERN TI WESTERN TI WESTERN. See, what I’ve done is I’ve combined the writer/director’s name (Ti West) with a film genre (Western) to create a hilarious play on words, Ti Western. Do you guys understand how funny this is? It is incredible and I am glad to be the one to finally point out this wordplay to people. From The House of the Devil to The Innkeepers to The Sacrament, West has been on a great run of Horror features the last few years, so I always look forward to what he’ll do next. Hearing that West had cast Ethan Hawke and John Travolta in a goddamned WESTERN got me very intrigued, since I don’t normally like westerns, but was also exciting to see West getting some heavy hitters in his cast, which will hopefully lead to even bigger opportunities for his next film. Thanks to Hawke, Travolta, and the rest of the cast, In a Valley of Violence gives audiences an entertaining revenge thriller set in the Old West, which I know will appeal to many genre fans.

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I should mention there’s a great dog in this movie. See it? See that great dog? It does a great job.

Paul (Hawke) really only wants to get to Mexico with his dog Abbey as quickly as possible, but that route leads him through a small valley, which I’m sure you could guess is the titular violent valley. His brief visit includes a less than pleasant altercation with Gilly (James Ransone) and his father, the Marshal (John Travolta), which causes Paul to move through town as quickly as possible. Unfortunately for Paul, leaving the Valley of Violence behind him is easier said than done, and Gilly has a score to settle with the stranger, following him out into the desert. Although Gilly thinks he’s taken care of the stranger for good, all he’s done is given Paul a reason to return to the valley to seek revenge and retribution, no matter who stands in his way. In a way, it’s almost like he makes the valley MORE violent, if you can even believe it! People die, others live, and there’s violence in the valley.

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You tell ‘im, John! Tell him he needs to be nice to those ladies!

I know I said earlier that I wasn’t normally a fan of Westerns, but let me tell you, that opinion certainly has remained the same! However, In a Valley of Violence still has a lot going for it, most notably, its cast. Hawke, Travolta, and Ransome all play their stereotypical Western roles with authenticity, but it’s really the female characters that make the movie so entertaining. Taissa Farmiga plays the hotel clerk in town who hopes to convince Paul to stay a bit longer, while Karen Gillan plays her sister, Gilly’s betrothed who turns a blind eye to her husband’s behavior. Both of the actresses are tasked with delivering some of the more ridiculous lines of dialogue and must become the silliest of caricatures in the film, and both embrace the tone of the film with wonderful results. Although neither of them rely on a fainting couch or say anything about “the vapors,” the embrace the hopeless romantic longing to leave town and the spoiled southern belle archetypes with gusto and help break up a tale of terrible men being terrible to one another.

in-a-valley-of-violence-movie-2016-taissa-farmiga

Taissa, if you’re reading this, which I’m positive you are, you did a good job in this movie. Keep it up!

Hey, listen, I know I’ve said a few times that I’m not an expert on Westerns, so feel free to totally ignore my opinion. However, this film has more to offer than Western tropes, so if you’re more of a genre fan, there’s still stuff to like! Ultimately, the story is about a man on a quest to begrudgingly seek revenge, but it just happens to take place in the Old West. I know that High Plains Drifter is cited as an inspiration, but for those who prefer more contemporary references, it’s like Death Wish or John Wick. However, rather than some balls-to-the-wall and blood-soaked festival of mayhem, it’s a slow, deliberately paced game of cat and mouse. West’s last three features and their emphasis on tone, atmosphere, and creeping sense of dread has often closely associated him with the phrase “slow burn,” which I pretty much cringe at every time I hear, but this film continues that streak. Despite the low body count and lack of graphic violence, this might be West’s most riveting film to date and the viewer can’t help but feel immersed in the bloodshed that’s unfolding in this small town. If you’re looking for a horror Western, you might have come to the wrong place, but In A Valley of Violence shows a restrained subtlely in West’s filmmaking and hopefully leads to him exploring non-horror genres further.

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

IMDb


Doctor Strange (2016) [REVIEW]

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It’s been eight years since the beginning of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and we FINALLY get to see the story of white man whose genius is only exceeded by his ego who suffers a crippling physical injury that will force him to find new ways to heal himself, only to realize what his true gifts really are, and use those gifts to protect the world. FINALLY!!!!!!!! Okay, yeah, that sounds familiar, because stories like that are what have made Marvel Studios billions of dollars. So, with Doctor Strange, how will Marvel change their tried and true formula to show the world there’s more to their super heroes than white men? Well…uhhhhhh….let’s try to find out!

 

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Cape or not, you shouldn’t stand this close to your TV when watching Inception on 4K.

Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is a brilliant surgeon who is also a huge dick. After irreparably damaging his hands in a car accident, he realizes traditional medicines won’t cure him, so he seeks more mystical methods. In Nepal, Strange learns of the mystic arts from The Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) and Mordo (Chiwetel Ejiofor), while also learning there are those out there who seek to use darker magic to unleash hell upon earth, like Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen) aims to do. Good guys fight bad guys, everyone uses magical spells, a cape helps Doctor Strange fly, and the good guys win. SORRY, SPOILER ALERT, THE STATUS QUO IS MAINTAINED AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.

 

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Careful, Sherlock, it looks like you’ve become a ghost!

Marvel films are often chided for being formulaic, and in the case of Doctor Strange, that assessment is 100% true. Man oh man, it was rough getting through those first 45 minutes. There are so many arbitrary decisions made by characters that it seems like the only thing running through the filmmakers’ heads were, “Well, this needs to happen at some point, so it might as well be now.” For example, when Strange shows up at The Ancient One’s temple, he just kind of acts like an asshole, Ancient One reveals everything she knows about other dimensions and spirituality, Strange is kicked out of the temple for not being eager enough to learn, so he hangs out in front for a couple hours before being let back in. WHY DID HE HAVE TO GET KICKED OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! In his time outside, we saw him learn nothing nor change his view of the world at all. During his training, he has a hard time learning a teleporting spell, so Ancient One drops him off on Mt. Everest alone where he is forced to find his own way back. We then cut back to Ancient One and Mordo in the temple, waiting for Strange to show up. Strange…shows up. The audience doesn’t witness anything change about the character that finally motivated him to comprehend casting the spell. Why couldn’t he have just easily done it from the beginning?! Arguably as much as Tony Stark, Doctor Strange is known for the style of his goatee. In the film, Strange grows a beard while at the temple. One day, he shaves it into a unique goatee. WHY DOES HE DO THIS AND WHY DOES IT MATTER? Sure part of this is symbolic because he had difficulty shaving due to his injured hands, but, why the hell does he make it so fancy? He has facial hair like no other person in the movie, and there wasn’t anything like him taking inspiration from another sorcerer or a relic of a wizard guy or…whatever, I don’t care. He gives himself fancy facial hair for no real reason. I legit wish this movie was 25 minutes shorter and the training stuff was replaced with a “Some amount of time later…” title card.

 

doctor-strange-movie-2016-benedict-cumberbatch

Probably don’t do drugs before seeing this movie. Or rather, probably do drugs? I don’t know man, it’s your life.

Okay, so the first half of the movie is pretty rough, but once Strange knows how to use his powers, there’s some really cool stuff. Sequences of Strange traversing through other dimensions and universes are pretty bananas, which I believe we can thank director Scott Derrickson for. Derrickson really took inspiration from cosmic illustrations by Strange creator Steve Ditko, and although some elements feel familiar to what we’ve seen in the Thor films, we’ve never seen visuals taken to this degree in the MCU. One sequence that takes place in the Mirror Dimension, that looks like the real world but can be manipulated by sorcerors, is disorienting and jarring and kinetic in all the right ways. Remember the cool sequences in Inception and The Matrix where physics went out the window? Well, they’re like that, except longer. Unfortunately, that also means we’ve seen these devices before, just now we get longer sequences there.

 

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Only a white woman could truly be this bald!

In the comics, The Ancient One has been drawn as Asian.  In the film, Tilda Swinton is not Asian. Considering the MCU is full of white people, we did not need another one person, especially when portraying a character that’s always been Asian in the comics. Having seen the film, there’s nothing I saw that made Tilda Swinton a great choice for the character. Not that she did a bad job, but the role could have been played by anyone of any ethnicity or of any gender or of any age and the results would have been the same. No excuse I’ve read from anyone involved in the movie is adequate, and it was just a dumb decision. The character was not written as a wise elderly Asian stereotype, so any performer could have pulled it off without audiences thinking, “Oh great, another Mr. Miyagi.” So, bad choice filmmakers. The casting of this role might have been considered a lose-lose situation as far as cultural sensitivity, but casting Tilda Swinton was the worse choice to have made.

 

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Still waiting on that hug from Will Graham, huh?

Another thing that Marvel is often criticized for is their unimpressive villains, with only really Loki having stood out in all 14 films, but I did find Kaecilius quite compelling. Each of these movies treats the villains like they really could potentially destroy the world, but they are defeated within the film and never seen again. However, Kaecilius admittedly isn’t the one to bring about the world’s destruction, but merely opening a gateway for Dormammu, a demon kind of being that is massive and–you know what? Doesn’t matter. What matters is we got to see an intense villain who himself wasn’t trying to convince the audience he was all-powerful, so his shortcomings and minor defeats seemed more believable and like less was at stake. Oh yeah, yet another criticism of the MCU is their treatment of women, so I should point out that Rachel McAdams is in a few scenes of this movie as the “love interest I guess, whatever” character. I really think Strange’s cape should have been billed over her.

 

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Hey! None of those crazy visuals from any of the trailers matter at all, because it’s in the Mirror Dimension. Just a heads up.

The film’s opening sequence shows building twisting and turning and composing themselves in new ways, while nothing gets destroyed. I sat there thinking, “Why the fuck is any of this happening and why does it matter?” Once the concept of the Mirror Dimension was explained, I understood the opening sequence, but the concept of the Mirror Dimension accurately acts as a metaphor for this movie. Doctor Strange has stuff that looks cool and spectacular, but none of it carries any weight and everything is easily put back into its place without anyone noticing. Cumberbatch is much better is a calm, collected sorceror than he is a vain student trying to understand the mystic arts and making jokes about Beyonce and Eminem (yes, that happens in this movie). Strange will make for a fun supporting character to play off Tony Stark, but this is a franchise that won’t need its own sequel. Although not abrasively bad, Strange only barely keep its head above water, probably thanks to the Cloak of Levitation, which at times has more personality than any of the characters on-screen.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

Official Site

IMDb



The Similars (Los Parecidos) (2016) [REVIEW]

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Listen, you can make fun of me all you want, but I haven’t seen México Bárbaro yet. Guys, I said you can make fun of me, I don’t care what you say, I’m in on the joke. Point is, I wasn’t super familiar with writer/director Isaac Ezban‘s work, other than knowing he contributed to that anthology, which I’d heard decent things about. The description definitely piqued my interest, so I was like, yeah, I can watch this movie! I’m a guy who likes movie and this is one of them! Okay, now you can make fun of me for how dull this intro is, and I get to be in on that joke also.

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More like “Goodnight Daddy,” am I right!?

It’s 1968, we’re in a bus station, and a bearded man is just trying to catch a bus to get to his wife who just began labor outside the city. Due to a terrible thunderstorm, there are delays and cancellations and no sign of when he can leave. The longer he’s there, the more hopeful travelers join him, all with their own desperate reasons to catch the bus. As the radio starts delivering strange news broadcasts and the manager of the bus station becomes ill, the travelers begin to get nervous and paranoid about what’s going on. When the supervisor starts to “recover” but has undergone a peculiar transformation, the travelers have no goddamn idea what’s going on, how it could happen, or how to stop it. That’s all I’m gonna say, because the bizarre twists and turns are absolutely what make this film so enjoyable.

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This kid was the only one to realize the true threat was on the ceiling the whole time.

This movie was good! The film started like an episode of The Twilight Zone, from the opening narration of some off-screen figure and faux film grain, and every time the story would run out of steam, a strange twist would invigorate everything. I’d say that each act on its own could count as an installment on the show, and Ezban blended them all together seamlessly. Again, I don’t want to take away from any of the twists, but they were just bizarre enough to have a more science fiction/surreal quality to them than a horrific one, but also hokey enough that the film didn’t need to take itself too seriously. The computerized black and white look and all the fake film grain stuff that was meant to evoke nostalgia got pretty grating at times, but I understand that they were good cheats to make the concept more effective. Had the film been shot in color or on 35mm, it wouldn’t have put the viewer in the appropriate state of mind for the unique state of mind necessary and the melding of both comedy and sci-fi. In short, The Similars (a title which will make sense once you see the movie) is the best feature-length episode of The Twilight Zone you’ll see this year.

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

IMDb


Jackie (2016) [REVIEW]

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I knew going into this movie that Natalie Portman had been lauded for her performance, but I still don’t know what made her the best choice to play Jackie Robinson. HAHAHAHA. Boom. Get it? No, I’m just goofing around. This movie is actually about Jackie Kennedy in the days leading up to and following the assassination of her husband (spoiler alert). Wait, now that I’ve told you what Jackie is about, how am I supposed to describe it’s plot? Well, shit, I guess I’ll just have to give it a shot and see what happens.

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I’m sure Sarsgaard would just channel the reviews for Green Lantern any time he needed to be sad.

Ya know how I already said that this movie’s plot is about the days leading up to and immediately following John F. Kennedy’s assassination? Well, that’s what it’s about. The story is framed with a reporter (Billy Crudup) getting a firsthand account of the tragedy Jackie went through, from her husband’s limp body collapsing on her lap, to telling her children, to making funeral arrangements, to getting kicked out of the White House. Even though there isn’t some massive, convoluted plot, the film’s effectiveness lies in its simplicity and the mundane ordeal of putting a loved one to rest, and how it could feel like a kingdom you have built has just crumbled.

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Welp, this sequence has guaranteed I won’t listen to The Misfits’ “Bullet” in quite the same way again.

Without Natalie Portman’s performance as the former first lady, this film wouldn’t have worked. I can’t think of another actress of her generation who could’ve conveyed so much sadness, sense of responsibility, and motivation they way she did so effortlessly. The film jumps back and forth over the course of just a few weeks, but the way Portman plays the sullen Jackie in the wake of what has happened looks like she’s aged years. If you’re not familiar with the real Jackie or the accents of the Kennedy family, her voice is immediately jarring, but as you grow accustomed to it, you realize it’s just another way for the actress to completely embody the spirit and physicality of the historical icon. Portman is one of my favorite actresses and I never felt like I was watching her on-screen, but actually seeing Jackie Kennedy. What’s also exceptional is that the camera never feels like it’s more than six feet from the actress at any given moment, capturing every single nuance, facial expression, and quiver in her voice.

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People’s hair used to actually do this!

Speaking of the camerawork, director Pablo Larraín shot and edited this movie more like a song than a traditional film. There’s a repetition with the interview scenes that form a chorus, there are shots that show Jackie from behind at different stages of the ordeal that feel like reprises on the original theme, while deviations from this formula create verses, bridges, and solos. Combine the fluidity of the editing with Mica Levi‘s score, and the film feels more like an experience to behold more than a story you watch play out.

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Guys, I don’t want to alarm you, but someone let the zodiac killer into the White House!

Ultimately, Jackie captured a unique time in American politics that are eerily similar to the current state of our country. The Kennedy family were beautiful, young (by presidential standards), and expressed interests in the arts. The pair were incredibly charming, much in the same way the public view Barack and Michelle Obama. As Robert Kennedy (played by Peter Sarsgaard) describes in the film, JFK never achieved as much with his presidency as he wanted to, but people still consider him one of the most memorable presidents. That’s quite a legacy for someone who hadn’t accomplished as much as presidents both before and after him, but it shows the power that charm and charisma have in the public’s eye. That point also holds true that you don’t have to be remembered for your accomplishments, but merely be remembered for being memorable. In a couple months, a reality TV show star will be inaugurated, due in large part to the American people just being able to recognize him at all, rather than choosing him as the best choice because of his previous accomplishments. Jackie showcases a family that achieved the American dream, were on the brink of changing the world, and with one single, heinous act, their entire kingdom was destroyed. It’s also a chilling reminder that for every act of violence, no matter who is the victim, no matter what their walk of life, that acts of brutality leave a lasting wake that reverberates for years.

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

Official Site

IMDb


Camino (2015) [REVIEW]

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FULL DISCLOSURE: survival horror typically isn’t my thing.  Sure, I enjoy Wolf Creek and Wolf Creek 2, and sure, you could describe a lot of movies featuring serial killers hunting victims as “survival horror,” but you know what I’m saying, right? In other words, the trailer and premise of Camino didn’t really do much for me. However, despite not typically being a fan of survival horror, two things that I typically am a fan of are Zoë Bell and Nacho Vigalondo. So my preconceived notions are at a stalemate! What on earth will my thoughts of the movie be?! I guess you’ll just have to read to find out!

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See, the thing Avery “shoots” with is a camera, not a gun! Do you see how both things can be “shot” and how that ties into the movie?

Avery (Bell) is an accomplished photojournalist who is still coping with the sudden death of her husband who pursues a rare opportunity to tag along with Guillermo (Vigalondo), the benevolent leader of a rebel military faction in Colombia. Avery witnesses Guillermo’s attempt to help struggling communities, but considering the world of violence he exists in, is apprehensive to trust him. When Avery stumbles across Guillermo in the middle of committing a violent deed, she naturally snaps photos, which puts him on the hunt. The photographer heads further into the jungle as Guillermo turns his squad against her, implying that she pulled off the nefarious deeds. What follows is an intense game of cat and mouse, and some of the squad shows doubts about Guillermo and he tries to contain the damage done both to his squad and the potential damage that the incriminating photos could cause.

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See, Guillermo is more familiar with “shooting” guns, but Avery “shoots” with her camera? Do you understand the similarities yet?

Does that synopsis sound good to you? Huh? Well, in that case, you’ll sure as hell like this movie! Vigalondo is equal parts charming and terrifying, which makes the charm he uses to persuade people to his side incredibly believable. Also, no matter the lengths he goes to track down Avery, he plays the character as a real-life villain and not some psychopath aiming to destroy everyone in his path. He has an image to maintain, so for as persistent as he is, you almost believe him when he says all he wants are the photos. Bell, on the other hand, is a well-known badass, so you might expect her to just kick the shit out of Guillermo immediately, but remember when I said she’s coping with her husband’s death? Well, that leads to some moments where she can’t mentally bring herself to do the things she knows she should to gain the advantage. Sure, we get a couple of badass moments where she gets to put her physical abilities on display, but it was also a battle of wits. Personally, I would’ve preferred more of her physical prowess being shown, but I understand why it wasn’t just a movie of fighting in the jungle. I should also mention Sheila Vand was pretty badass as Guillermo’s right-hand woman/love interest, so it wasn’t just two strong performances surrounded by fodder, but the supporting cast was solid as well.

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When I said the ending was predictable, yes, the film ends with a kiss fight. Everybody wins!

Despite the strength of the cast, there wasn’t much else about Camino that stuck with me. But hey, remember when I said movies like this aren’t typically my thing? That still holds to be true! You don’t even have to listen to me if you don’t want to! However, I’ve been surprised by similar films in the past with how much I enjoy them, and this one didn’t really do that. It’s pretty by-the-numbers and does things you’d expect, but at least it had a good cast? Also, I suppose there were some shots of the jungle that were cool and some of the shot compositions were nontraditional, so I liked that the film ultimately had an interesting look, but the whole thing still didn’t resonate much with me. In other words, Bell and Vigalondo are badass, and the story might be predictable, but if you’re into these types of movies then you’ll sure as shit like this one.

Wolfman Moon Scale

half moon

IMDb


Teenage Cocktail (2016) [REVIEW]

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I might be biased because I know some of the masterminds behind it, but I’m always excited by what movies Snowfort Pictures puts out. Starting with Jodorowsky’s Dune, they had a string of great genre films like Cheap Thrills, Starry Eyes, and We Are Still Here. I’ve also always enjoyed seeing Fabianne Therese in genre flicks, but she’s normally relegated to a supporting role. When I found out Therese was working with Snowfort to make Teenage Cocktail, you can only imagine my excitement! I was so excited that I waited ten months after its premiere at SXSW to catch it on Netflix. I know, I’m basically one of those guys who got in line for Star Wars months in advance. Maybe waiting ten months might seem like I wasn’t really that excited for the movie, but I’d say letting my anticipation die down over that long stretch of time allowed me to just sit back, relax, and thoroughly enjoy the lesbian coming-of-age thriller.

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The conceit of “These adult actresses are too old for high school” is tough to buy, but hey, it’s the movies!

Annie (Nichole Bloom) isn’t fitting in at her new school in a new town, getting bullied by other students and resenting her parents for making her move. The only person she connects with is Jules (Therese), who quickly connect with one another and become inseparable. Every conflict Annie has in her life strengthens her bond with Jules, whom she realizes she feels more strongly for than your average “friend.” As Annie explores her feelings, she learns that Jules has been making money on the side by webcamming, which Annie joins in on to make even more of a profit. Desperate for cash to move to New York, the pair decide to take their escapades to the next level, going so far as to meet one of their fans, Frank (Pat Healy), who’s been watching them for quite some time. Surprisingly, two teenage girls meeting up with a family man for a sexual tryst goes into some dark territory and all three realize they’re all in over their heads and get more than they bargained for.

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Ugh, why can’t moms just understand us girls and our desires to be webcam ladies!?

This might come as a surprise, but I’m not now, nor have I ever been, a teenage girl who is exploring her sexuality. I know, it’s hard to believe! That being said, Bloom and Therese have wonderful chemistry together and their fluid transition from best friends to more than friends but maybe just best friends was adorable and enthralling. Although two nubile actresses exploring their sexuality was sexy, I never felt like they were being objectified for the sake of the male gaze. However, my gaze is that of a male, so if other people disagreed with me, I’d have to take their word for it. Either way, Therese was as enjoyable as I imagined she’d be and she and Bloom played quite well off of one another. Healy put in another “Classic Pat Healy” performance, which in my opinion is described as “very good.”

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If this whole “movie actress” thing doesn’t work out for her, this film will be a great reel for Therese to become a lollipop commercial superstar.

The film was written, directed, and edited by John Carchietta, and the look of the film follows the recent trend of “Slick and Stylish California.” What is this style, you say? Well, much like pornography, I’d say, “I know it when I see it,” and once you watch Teenage Cocktail, you’ll know exactly what I mean. From the opening sequence, you know that the film will take some dangerous turns, with the pacing and plot points escalating organically. My biggest gripe with the film is that, even though the audience knows the film will go to some dark places, we don’t get enough scenes like this and I felt robbed of some great work from Healy. The lead trio doesn’t share the screen too often, but Therese’s Jules is seductively taunting and Frank is desperately smitten so I would have loved seeing more scenes where the performers got to use their strengths. Mind you, I suppose it’s better to leave audiences wanting more than to wish the film had been shorter, but the ending felt abrupt and I wish we had gotten even five more minutes of these three characters playing off one another. Still, the look, tone, and performances are incredibly alluring and exciting, with just enough latent darkness to appeal to genre fans.

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

IMDb


John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017) [REVIEW]

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There are two very important pieces of information that I must disclose before you continue reading my review of John Wick: Chapter 2. First thing: I fucking loved John Wick. Here’s some evidence of these claims:

Get the picture? The other pertinent piece of information: straightforward “action” movies aren’t typically my thing. If they don’t have elements of horror or sci-fi, I have a hard time getting interested, as you might’ve read me complain about before. Both of these two facts could make you completely disregard my opinion, which I would completely understand, but, I mean, this is my blog with my opinions so I don’t know why the hell else you’d be reading this if you didn’t want to know my thoughts. That being said, John Wick: Chapter 2 is rad as hell with wonderfully staged action, but without a murdered dog, I couldn’t get as involved with the hero’s motivations.

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New movie! New dog! Good boy!

Having succeeded in his path of revenge against the members of a crime family who murdered his dog, John Wick (Keanu Reeves) aims to return to a quiet life with a new dog, but having reentered the world of assassins, Wick went back on a promise he’s made. The mysterious Santino D’Antonio (Riccardo Scamarcio) confronts Wick about a promise they made in blood, forcing Wick to pull off “one last hit” to “finally” leave the world of covert assassins behind. Sadly, things get more complicated for Wick as his mission results in assassins turning their attention towards taking out Wick, often regarded as a “Boogeyman,” putting him on a path which requires him killing anyone in between him and the answers he needs.

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Yes, John Wick dresses well yet again, but at one point in the film, he breaks out a tactical turtleneck and I couldn’t stop thinking he was Sterling fucking Archer.

In the first film, an underground organization of cutthroat yet sophisticated assassins operates just out of view of the public, carrying out covert operations in relatively public places without anyone raising an eyebrow. Cops come to Wick’s house but turn a blind eye to dozens of dead bodies, which Wick easily has disposed of by a man inside the organization. There are mysterious coins, neutral locations, and a strict set of rules that these killers adhere to, despite profiting from death. If this secret organization of assassins is intriguing to you, then you will absolutely love John Wick: Chapter 2, as the film doubles down on these organizations to show you new characters, locations, and standards that everyone must follow. However, if you, like me, really only cared about a man seeking retribution for his dead dog, then you’ll find it hard to care about the Wick’s motivations and, ultimately, the whole plot.

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Oh shit! How have I not mentioned COMMON is in this?! He is! And he’s a badass!

Other than one opening scene and the concept of this nefarious organization of assassins, this sequel has very little connection to the first film. Every single person in the audience could connect with Wick’s driving mission in the first film, but in Chapter 2, it falls into tropes we’ve seen in other action films before. Does that mean those things are bad? Well, no, not at all. The assassination club is explored further, given more context, and shown more dimensions, but, in my opinion, Wick carried out the mission in the previous film because of emotion, whereas almost everything he did in Chapter 2 was out of obligation. He didn’t do anything in the film because he wanted to, he went through them because he had to. The ending of the first film gave the impression that Wick himself wouldn’t have cared if his mission of seeking revenge had killed him, as his wife and his dog were dead and he had nothing to live for.  Sure, Wick has a new dog in this sequel, but it feels like he had little else to live for. Audiences could live vicariously through Wick in the first film, not that anyone wished they could kill people who had wronged him the way he did, but we saw a man pushed over the edge and taking revenge into his own hands. Whether it’s someone who cuts you in line or you overhear something offensive in public, we all wished we could take matters into our own hands to show people how wrong they were for what they did the way we saw Wick demonstrate, but in Chapter 2, Wick spends most of the film on the defensive. The original film glorified violence and you reveled in seeing Wick lash out against his oppressors, but when he has been targeted by other assassins and he’s doing what many of us would do when we feel attacked (by that I mean defend ourselves, not do Judo throws and shoot people in the head), so there’s not as much glee when it’s violence for the sake of survival than for justice.

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Oh shit! How have I not mentioned that RUBY ROSE is in this?! Probably because she doesn’t do much more than be an attractive hit-lady with tattoos.

The way firearms were combined with martial arts in the first film was referred to as “Gun Fu” by the filmmakers, who continue to utilize the grace of martial arts with the brutality of bullets. Although the actual combat doesn’t necessarily get heightened to never-before-seen levels, the altercations take place in much more unique and lavish settings. No longer is Wick fighting thugs in abandoned shipyards and loud nightclubs, he’s being hunted through medieval ruins, subway stations, and neon light-soaked funhouses. Many sequences feel more like Italian horror movies than revenge thrillers, something you wouldn’t see in any other big studio action film. If action movies are your thing, John Wick: Chapter 2 gives grace and elegance to an often ridiculed genre, but if you had hoped for emotional stakes that were on par with the previous film, you’ll be left feeling underwhelmed. The film ends in a way that gets me incredibly excited for the next chapter of the John Wick saga, but the story didn’t touch upon what made the first film compelling, and I found it hard to take joy in watching Wick shoot dozens of men in the chest and head for 120 minutes.

Wolfman Moon Scale

three quarters moon

IMDb


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